Full List of Articles in Vol. 3 Iss. 3
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Editorial:
From the Editorial Dusk
READ
National/World News:
New Racial Group Identified in Wake of Katrina
READ
White House Rallies in Face of Katrina Criticism
READ
Bush Calls on Nation to Sacrifice
Pullout from Texas Revives Oslo Accords and Hopes for Middle West
Alaska State News:
Fairbanks Burro Ass-
embly Earns Award
READ
Noah's Ark Discovered in Fairbanks
Addvice & Entertainment:
Dr. Geyges Advises:
Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed
READ
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 The Bush War Room
With Saint Joan of Sheehan at his Crawford Castle gates, President Bush called a meeting of his closest advisors to plan for the confrontation. A brave veteran of many a perilous mission, whether as a weaving college student stopped by highway patrol, as a national guardsman responding to the call of duty to fight in Vietnam, or as a president living in constant peril of a non-vetted citizen approaching him with a question, Bush was ready: Air Force One was all tanked up and set to fly the Commander in Chief to face cheering, hand-picked crowds anywhere in the US.
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National:
New Racial Group Identified in Wake of Katrina
NEW ORLEANS/WASHINGTON D.C. - Scientists, researchers and reporters are expressing amazement and delight at one of the few positive outcomes to result from Hurricane Katrina. “Ladies and gentlemen,” said US Census Bureau Assistant Secretary for Minority Statistics Guy White, “I am pleased to announce that we have found an entirely new group of Americans previously not known to have been living among us.”
The new group, which scientists have labeled “negroes,” but which are being called “black folk” by most Americans, were discovered living en masse in some of the regions most heavily devastated by the recent hurricane
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Alaska News:
Fairbanks Burro Ass-
embly Earns Award
FAIRBANKS - Fresh on the heels of a report which showed that Fairbanks ranks high among small American cities for its overall crime rate, the Fairbanks Northstar Burro Assembly has placed first nationally for the highest crime rate by a locally elected body. In honor of this achievement, the assembly was presented with the Crimea River chalice at a recent special meeting called to honor those assemblymen whose efforts helped propel the body to nationwide fame.
“It was a close shave,” said Mark Ed Increase, spokesman for the Bureau of Improbable Governmental Statistics, in presenting the award during the final meeting of the assembly before new members were to be seated. “We have cities in New Jersey which are outright run by the Mafia. But apart from the odd murder, those people generally behave themselves. For sheer petty criminal behavior by pompous, self-important jackasses holding seats on a minor governmental body of no significance in a town that hardly anyone thinks about, nothing beats this assembly.”
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Addvice:
Dr. Geyges Advises
Dr. Geyges, noted lecturer, teacher, and author of Right Rites and Practical Practices for the Theologically Challenged, brings solace to The Giant Cabbage readers through considered analysis and sound advice.
Dear Dr. Geyges!
I've made a terrible mistake!! My whole life ruined…and when I die I'll spend eternity being returned and returned as a carrion beetle!! Dr. Geyges, I read your advice column regularly and desperately hope by some slim chance you can suggest a miracle??!
You see, Dear Dr. Geyges, I am--or was--a graduate student in biology and was almost done with my research into the effects of global warming on the mating patterns of the Indian water buffalo. I passed my comprehensives a year ago with outstanding marks and was working on my dissertation ….. it's all gone! I've thrown it all away with my wicked actions!!
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