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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 3 Issue 3 | PURGAMENTUM INIT, EXIT PURGAMENTUM | Semptember 2005 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? | NOT FEATURED |
BUY THIS ISSUE From the Editorial Dusk National/World News: New Racial Group Identified in Wake of Katrina White House Rallies in Face of Katrina Criticism Bush Calls on Nation to Sacrifice Pullout from Texas Revives Oslo Accords and Hopes for Middle West Alaska State News: Fairbanks Burro Ass- embly Earns Award Noah's Ark Discovered in Fairbanks Addvice & Entertainment: Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed |
NEW ORLEANS/WASHINGTON D.C. - Scientists, researchers and reporters are expressing amazement and delight at one of the few positive outcomes to result from Hurricane Katrina. “Ladies and gentlemen,” said US Census Bureau Assistant Secretary for Minority Statistics Guy White, “I am pleased to announce that we have found an entirely new group of Americans previously not known to have been living among us.” The new group, which scientists have labeled “negroes,” but which are being called “black folk” by most Americans, were discovered living en masse in some of the regions most heavily devastated by the recent hurricane. “The first sign we had that something was up was when we noticed that some of the people coming to the Superdome to wait out the hurricane seemed to be quite deeply tanned,” explained Federal Emergency Management Agency spokeswoman Gitte Clue. Clue added that “even by Gulf Coast standards, these people seemed to have spent quite a bit of time exposed to sunlight. This was the first inkling we had that perhaps our rescue and relief plans for the hurricane might not be adequate. I mean, we got all the white people out of New Orleans without a hitch, apart from the usual rush-our traffic jam. But then these other inhabitants started showing up and we thought, you know, now what?” More black folk were discovered in the following days, trapped on rooftops and in attics, or crowded together in the city's convention center awaiting help. “Honestly, we just didn't know these people even existed,” explained President George W. Bush. “I can assure the American people that if I had only been aware of the presence of these darker complexioned people, I would have ended my vacation at least twenty minutes earlier so that I could have begun directing White House damage control operations.” Bush spoke to reporters while enjoying a golf game with Senator Trent Lott on the freshly dried out and manicured green of the Mississippi Golf, Country and Equestrian Club, a place where no sightings of black people have ever been reported. Researchers were rushing to places where black folk are presently being held in order to study their habits and lifestyles. “We're going to find out what they do,” said Professor Jim Crow of the Alabama Institute of Racial and Hereditary Anthropological Determinism (AIRHEAD). “For instance, are they interested in such culturally advanced Southern Caucasian rites as shopping at WalMart, tobacco spitting and NASCAR? Or do they prefer the practices of Northern whites, things like eating out at ethnic restaurants, driving SUVs emblazoned with Sierra Club stickers and buying stocks? We won't know until we ask them.” Media investigations are also commencing. In the nation's capitol, editors of the Washington Post have broken with longstanding precedent and for first time ever have sent reporters out beyond the beltway to see if any black folk can be found. Political ramifications from the discovery could be significant. Democratic Party organizer Stella People said “Obviously, the concerns of black folk coincide with those of our party, so I'm sure we can take their votes for granted.” People's Republican counterpart, Rich Mann, meanwhile told reporters “We see no reason to worry about these so-called 'negroes.' With our advanced redistricting software programs we can simply dilute them into Republican districts and continue to ignore them, just like we were doing before anyone called the fact of their existence to our attention.” One Republican who is reaching out to black folk, however, is the president's mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush. Mrs. Bush traveled to Huston's Astrodome where some twenty thousand storm refugees, mostly black folk, are currently being sheltered. “They're wonderful people,” she said, “Marvelous entertainers. Outstanding athletes… still, I wouldn't want either of the twins to marry one.” “But what we really want to find out,” Mrs. Bush went on, “is whether they can cook, clean and tend gardens. I can think of nothing better to come from this horrible tragedy than a whole new class of Americans who can compete with Mexicans for service jobs. Why… just the thought of a reduction in the cost of domestic help brings shivers to my spine. And as more Americans find they can afford maids and gardeners to do their hard work, why, the more people will vote Republican.” |
NEW ORLEANS/WASHINGTON D.C. - Unreasonable as it may be to expect an administration known for destroying countries in response to nonexistent threats, to then turn around and respond seriously to a verified, imminent threat, many charged the Bush administration of negligence for twiddling its thumbs while New Orleans sank. Some even charged that the neglect of the mostly poor and black left behind amounted to racism. This charge unleashed the steam-cooker furor of Condy Rice: “To say that the president is racist is just plain ridiculous!” frothed the Secretary of State. “I am an African American, and I can tell you that the president is a kind and loving man. He always has a joke ready to raise my spirits. He puts me up in lovely cabins close to wherever his important travels take him, and he makes late-night visits wearing those cowboy chaps of his. He always brings a bottle of champagne. Why, African Americans should be grateful for such a president!” President George W. Bush himself refuted accusations of inaction by lauding the evacuation procedures in anticipation of Katrina, noting that Air Force One was ready to fly out of harm's way to California at the drop of a hat. The record speaks even louder than the president: The Federal Emerency Management Agency (FEMA), under the experienced leadership of Mike Brown, nick-named “Noser,” whose years overseeing horse shows prepared him for just this kind of emergency, sprung into action to handle the catastrophe. As soon as the organization discovered that thousands of refugees were in the Convention Center, FEMA activated a plan to padlock the doors of the Center from the outside, pour kerosene through the air vents, and set the Center ablaze. Unfortunately, some minor glitches in the response saw FEMA agents at the Convention Center having forgotten the padlocks, with only a half gallon of kerosene and three boxes of matches. “Under the circumstances, our response was superb,” said Mike Brown “Noser” at a press conference. “You have to remember, this was not a normal situation for FEMA--this was an emergency!” The president supported is hand-picked man, noting that getting three boxes of matches to New Orleans during such a harrowing time was a huge success in and of itself. The president went on to praise the FEMA director (though some claim he was referring to Bown's nickname): “Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job!” The normally reclusive God Almighty stepped forward with his own pronouncement on the FEMA director: “Brownie! You're doing one HELL of a job!” In the meantime, the White House did its share of rapid response to a national crisis by appropriating $78 billion in emergency funds and distributing them among faith-based organizations so they could pray for the hurricane victims. This appropriation brought Dick Cheney's old company, Holy-burton, an 8-digit windfall, but somehow “pray for” was changed to “prey on” in all company documents due to a mysterious computer glitch. The company, which was awarded yet another no-bid contract by promising to “reconstruct the devastation wrought by Katrina,” caught the computer error and promptly addressed it by posting an e-mail about the matter on the wall in the storage room by the federally mandated postings of minimum wage and employee rights. However, the compassion and dedication of the Bush administration to helping victims of this great catastrophe was best summed up by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who, upon hearing that tens of thousands of old and helpless may have lost their lives, stated: “Stuff happens.” |