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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 3 Issue 3 | PURGAMENTUM INIT, EXIT PURGAMENTUM | Semptember 2005 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? | NOT FEATURED |
BUY THIS ISSUE From the Editorial Dusk National/World News: New Racial Group Identified in Wake of Katrina White House Rallies in Face of Katrina Criticism Bush Calls on Nation to Sacrifice Pullout from Texas Revives Oslo Accords and Hopes for Middle West Alaska State News: Fairbanks Burro Ass- embly Earns Award Noah's Ark Discovered in Fairbanks Addvice & Entertainment: Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed |
FAIRBANKS - Fresh on the heels of a report which showed that Fairbanks ranks high among small American cities for its overall crime rate, the Fairbanks Northstar Burro Assembly has placed first nationally for the highest crime rate by a locally elected body. In honor of this achievement, the assembly was presented with the Crimea River chalice at a recent special meeting called to honor those assemblymen whose efforts helped propel the body to nationwide fame. “It was a close shave,” said Mark Ed Increase, spokesman for the Bureau of Improbable Governmental Statistics, in presenting the award during the final meeting of the assembly before new members were to be seated. “We have cities in New Jersey which are outright run by the Mafia. But apart from the odd murder, those people generally behave themselves. For sheer petty criminal behavior by pompous, self-important jackasses holding seats on a minor governmental body of no significance in a town that hardly anyone thinks about, nothing beats this assembly.” “Folks,” added Increase, “you have some mighty big clownfish in this here tiny puddle”. At the meeting, several recent cases of illegal behavior were cited as cause for the award. The Burro Assembly has a sizable record of criminal mischief. In one instance, Assemblyman Bonnie Prince William (who, in actuality, is Vice President Dick Cheney dressed as an elderly woman) broke a law he himself had written regarding private meetings of elected officials when he held a stag party at his house to encourage fellow assembly conservatives to back his bid to be presiding officer. “We were moving toward supporting him in this effort,” said Assemblyman Barry Allrich, who attended the secret gathering at William's lair (the Scat Cave). “But when Bonnie jumped out of a cake buck naked with a pile of fruit on top of his head à la Carmen Miranda and launched into a karaoke version of “Copacabana” while tickling all of us under our chins with a feather, we really had to start wondering about the guy.” One recently arrested assemblyman is Gnarly Hex, who pled no contest to charges of disorderly conduct and disheveled appearance following his arrest for domestic violence. Hex reportedly threatened his estranged wife with bodily harm and promised to place the couple's children in the care of pop star Michael Jackson if she didn't agree to quit adding textured vegetable protein to her meatloaf recipe. “I was just trying to make Gnarly's meat extend a bit further,” explained Mrs. Hex. “He seemed to take this personally.” More recently, scandal has swirled around Allrich who, through a complex series of machinations and schemes, attempted to have the burro spend taxpayer dollars on a building that would house a proposed ninny-technology firm of which Allrich would, naturally, be the CEO. This proposal, which Allrich slipped under the door of the burro attorney's office late one night when no one was looking, would have funneled some twenty-five million dollars into the assemblyman's billowing backside billfold. Allrich insists that this presents no conflict of interest between his position as assemblyman, his seat on the board of the Fairbanks Economic Devolution Corporation, and his potential to strike it rich at public expense. “I know this isn't unethical,” said Allrich, “My lawyer, U. B. Shafted, says so…So there!” Assemblyman Allrich has long been rumored to be the secret identity of the famed superhero and defender of the American Way, Captain Ethics (who some snidely refer to as Captive Ethics). The most celebrated incident of malicious mischief involved former Presiding Officer Ripped Sully who was caught with his pants down driving drunk through the campus of the University of Alaska, Fairbanks. Sully, who was on hand for the ceremony, insists on his innocence. “I was framed by my political enemies!” he exclaimed loudly from the wet bar at the back of the assembly's chambers. The visibly agitated Sully stumbled toward the front of the room shouting “None of this would have happened were it not for… for… those two!” Sully turned and pointed an angry finger at local activists Dug Fates and Shawn EsQuire who were seated in the plebian gallery. As if on cue, Fates and EsQuire broke into an a cappella rendering of an early eighties hit by the Buggles with the lyrics slightly changed to “Video killed the Republican star.” Sully was seized by security guards and hauled down the street to the Midnight Mine where he could calm his nerves. Assemblymen Hank Barstool and Guy Sadly pointed out that thus far criminal behavior on the assembly has been limited to conservatives, while the more liberal members of the body generally avoid visiting the interior of the Fairbanks Correctional Center. Assemblyman and noted liberal Lightnin' Hopkins, picking a few seeds from his mustache, added, “Why, I haven't even been pulled over for a traffic violation since I cut my hair and sold my Day-Glo VW microbus in 1978 and the cops stopped harshing on me, dude.” Assemblyman Randal Frank Lee Mydear lashed out at them in response, noting that “This is because y'all ain't Christians. If you was godly men like me and my homies, you would be surly behavin' differently.” Another assemblyman, Duke of Earl Romans 13:22, panicked upon realizing that because he hasn't been arrested since his unlikely election, he could not hope to join the assembly's majority. Excusing himself from the meeting, he went home to his trailer to open a meth lab. As he accepted the award, current Presiding Officer Scary Muchinsin thanked the citizens of Fairbanks for continually electing himself and the other convicts that make up the assembly. “As you can see, we of the assembly have a crime rate that mirrors that of the community. You can all be proud to know that you citizens have a truly representative government.” |
FAIRBANKS - After months of excavation, Noah's ark has been uncovered where it came to a rest some four thousand years ago atop the West Ridge of the University of Alaska Campus. Noah (last name unknown) carried aboard the Ark all the world's animals two by two to protect them from the wrath of the all-loving God of the Hebrews who had decided to wipe out every living thing on Earth. The yacht appears to be more or less structurally sound, despite some architectural anomalies, which contractors involved in the excavation are blaming on God's somewhat confusing blueprints. “Apparently God, despite His many talents, never got around to attending engineering school,” said excavation site foreman Hugh Likeit. “Of course, this is obvious if you look around. I mean, what are earthquakes and hurricanes if not major design failures. Hopefully the next god that comes along will learn from this one's mistakes. After all, that's the way the divine race advances itself.” The Ark was originally built by Noah in anticipation of an enormous flood. Using the then modern design style known as Ark Deco, Noah braved the scorn of neighbors and built his enormous boat in the middle of the desert before gathering together the menagerie that he and his family took aboard with them when showers began to fall. The Ark was all that survived the storm that God unleashed to show His love for humanity and all the animals. After forty days and nights of milking all kinds of exotic creatures, scooping an endless stream of poop, dealing with several breech births and trying to remember not to swat the last two mosquitoes (which were profligately breeding in the floodwaters), the Ark landed on the West Ridge and Noah disembarked, reportedly complaining of back pain. He then assumed a university position as a taxonomist, a post which, thanks to UAF tenure rules, he continues to hold despite repeated insinuations of incompetence. The Ark sat out in the elements for the next forty centuries, gathering so much dust that is was eventually covered over and forgotten about. Only after Alaska Senator Ted Stevens defied all expectations and finally managed to steer a few measly dollars toward his home state was the money found to excavate the Ark site. This work conveniently dovetailed with plans for an expansion of the nearby University Museum, and since Stevens is always looking for ways to save the government money, he suggested that the Ark be used as the new wing so that a new building hampered by potential cost overruns wouldn't be needed. The Ark still had a few birds nesting in it, and it showed signs of some flood damage, but otherwise it is perfectly preserved. “This just goes to show what private enterprise can do,” said local radio commentator Michael Pukes. “As you can see, God hired an independent businessman, not some government bureaucrat, to build the Ark. That's why it's lasted so long. Why, if the University itself had been in charge of expanding the museum, there's no telling what sort of fiasco would have resulted.” |