|
Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 3 Issue 2 | NOVUS ORDO SECLOHUM | June 2005 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? | NOT FEATURED |
BUY THIS ISSUE The Power of Scrapture The Giant Cabbage under New Management! National/World News: Inside the Bush Administration Market Forces Koran 'n Toilets Setting the Record Straight on Guantanamo Alaska State News: Fairbanks Burro Ass- embly Passes Beautification Ordinance Wildland Fire Report Released People: An Interview with Jesus H. Christ Jesus Christ Seeks Name Change Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed Jackson Trial in Netherland |
 In a photo opportunity aimed at simultaneously denying the president’s delusions of grandeur, laying to rest rumors of his obsession with sacrificing the world to secure his spot in the afterlife, and showing him as a man of the Arab people, President George W. Bush poses before what he calls “the pyramids of our time.” WASHINGTON, D.C. - Recent allegations of Korans being flushed down toilets at the Guantanamo detention facility have been rejected by the White House and Pentagon alike. When flat-out denials did not work, the Bush administration went on a “credibility offensive” aimed at explaining exactly what happened: “On one occasion, a guard who was reverently transferring the book to safe-keeping accidentally dropped it and, before being able to check his step, trod on it” - “It appears that on one occasion, urine that was being discharged outside a cell made its way through an air vent and spattered slightly over a copy of the book” - “It is possible that a copy of the Koran fell off the silver platter on which it is required to be obsequiously carried, when the guard holding the platter was bumped by a dog. The Koran fell on the dog, which, frightened, ran off with the book still on its back until it passed by a toilet stall just when the door opened. This scared the dog, which reared on its hind legs and sent the sacred book flying, inadvertently, onto the toilet seat.” Despite this uncontroversial clarification and absolution of any wrong-doing, on a recent visit to Europe, Secretary of State Condy “Steamed” Rice was confronted by a satanic anarcho-communist reporter from the Financial Times of London, who persisted in asserting American guards flushed a Koran down the toilet, to which she dutifully stamped her little feet and shouted: “DID NOT! DID NOT! DID NOT!” However, back at home the American entrepreneurial spirit, which can be counted on to uncover the truth when making a buck depends on it, led to a different conclusion. Whether in response to existing or expected problems, major toilet manufacturers have been trotting out new models of toilets with built-in shredding blades that work like garbage disposals and are advertised to shred both paperback and hardback books measuring up to 12” x 8 ”. “We want to emphasize that we do not condone or promote anything like book-shredding in toilets,” states industry spokeswoman Lou Brusch emphatically. “We are just honest businesspeople filling a need, satisfying a market demand.” Her statement is slightly tempered by a recent toilet ad targeted at the military that shows a soldier, his patriotic gaze turned upward, one hand on the flusher of a new Shreddylet and the other holding a book with a title that starts with the letters “Kor,” while the Star-Spangled Banner plays in the background and the back of the toilet flutters with a superimposed US flag. Pentagon officials meanwhile vehemently deny that these new toilets with shredding blades were purchased to assist in cleanly flushing Korans down or to bring traditional “swirlies,” that may be administered to prisoners, up to current US military interrogation standards. “We have purchased the new Shreddylets to better serve the inmates, who we prefer to call our dear Muslim visitors,” said Guantanamo PR spokesman Gus Tovlieyng. “Given the gourmet, eight-course, religiously appropriate meals we serve our little Muslim brothers, occasionally there have been some… shall we say “clogging” incidents as a result… We want to save our beloved Muslim guests the embarrassment of having to call a guard to assist in unclogging a toilet.” Whatever the reason may be, the US military has placed over 50,000 orders for the new Shreddylets to re-do Guantanamo Bay facilities and many more in detention camps around the world. But the new toilets have been in great demand in other markets, too. Southern Christian organizations have been placing a huge number of orders and have doubled the demand for replacement blades, particularly after local school board meetings that deal with textbook selection. Another hot area of sales have been Fortune 500 companies that have been purchasing the Shreddylets for their executive restrooms. “We are actually producing the Mega-Shreddylet for the big multinationals,” says Lou Brusch, adding: “We thought it was an ego thing, but it really appears these corporations with 10-12-figure incomes need to process very large volumes, particularly around audit time.” |