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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 3 Issue 2 | NOVUS ORDO SECLOHUM | June 2005 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? | NOT FEATURED |
BUY THIS ISSUE The Power of Scrapture The Giant Cabbage under New Management! National/World News: Inside the Bush Administration Market Forces Koran 'n Toilets Setting the Record Straight on Guantanamo Alaska State News: Fairbanks Burro Ass- embly Passes Beautification Ordinance Wildland Fire Report Released People: An Interview with Jesus H. Christ Jesus Christ Seeks Name Change Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed Jackson Trial in Netherland |
Jesus H. Christ WACO, TEXAS - In a rare press conference following His filing for a name change, Jesus H. Christ talked about His life in the 2000 years that have passed since His crucifixion and resurrection, believed to have taken place around 33, CE. “Yeah, I hung around the Holy Land for awhile, but I had to lay low since there was a price on My head. The early Christians were cool, but then Paul turned the whole thing into this bizarre personality cult. I mean, have you read the shit he wrote about Me? Makes Me sound like some warmongering bastard looking to send everyone but Paul's little crowd to Hell eternal.” Like many long-haired, idealistic pacifists, Christ headed to the East, eventually reaching India where He spent more than 1,000 years hanging out with the sadhus, grew some killer dreads, and, He says, “smoked lots of killer hash.” Ultimately this idyllic life was cut short by the arrival of the Moguls who brought their Islamic faith along with them when they conquered the subcontinent. “Man, Mohamed was an even meaner son-of-a-bitch than Paul, if that's possible,” said Christ, bitterly. With all His pals converting to Islam in order to avoid having their heads chopped off, Christ decided to see how the West was faring. He arrived in Europe late in the 16th Century. “Jesus,” said Jesus, “those Christians had pretty much screwed up the whole of Europe as far as I could see, and I can see a long ways, you know. After about a hundred years I said, to Hell with these people, and got on a ship heading to the New World.” Christ landed in Massachusetts where He settled into a Puritan community. “Those people were nuts,” explained the Savior. “I told them they should love their neighbors as they loved themselves, that they should judge not lest they be judged, that if they wanted to follow Me, they should sell all their possessions, give their money to the poor, and live as paupers. They branded Me a heretic. I guess the American Dream was dreamed up pretty early on.” Not for the first time in His life, Christ found Himself running for His life. “They were going to burn Me at the stake. That sounded worse than crucifixion, even if it was quicker. Plus, there was the whole die for three days and rise from the grave thing. It's more trouble than you realize. I decided I'd just split.” Jesus wandered up and down the Eastern Sea-board for the next century and a half, generally avoiding the limelight. “I did go to Concord at one point to meet with Ralph Waldo Emerson, but he told me to go away because I was upstaging him. He sent me out to this cabin where his friend Henry was following his bliss. I stayed for a few days, then headed west, because it looked like war was brewing again. I didn't want any part of it, even if both sides said they were slaughtering everyone in sight in My name.” Christ hung out with the Plains Indians, whom He found well centered spiritually, but, He says, “Just my luck, along comes the white man again. Genocidal bastards. Why does trouble have to follow me everywhere I go?” Jesus became a mountain man for a spell, panned for gold in California and Alaska, briefly found work in the merchant marine, and then settled in for a quiet contemplative life in San Francisco. “I was too old to be drafted into the World Wars, so I mostly just read books and turned water into wine for the guys downtown. This went on for quite some time. Then the hippies came and, lo and behold, they brought along the best hash I'd had since India. In fact, it was the only hash I'd had since India.” Jesus eagerly embraced the goings on around Haight-Ashbury, and even briefly played drums with Big Brother and the Holding Company. Eventually the scene soured, and when He was mistakenly arrested and briefly detained because of His uncanny resemblance to Charles Manson, He decided it was time to move on once more. “I headed out to Colorado Springs. It was an awesome place until those goddamned Christians moved in and took over. What's with those people? They think you can't worship God if you aren't wearing a polyester leisure suit.” Looking disgusted, Christ stuck two fingers down his throat, pantomiming the act of making Himself vomit. “Aaaaacckkkk!” He exclaimed. So Christ wandered southward, arriving in Waco where no one paid Him much mind. “They're used to weirdoes and messiah types around here, so I was mostly ignored which suits Me fine. I have to admit, however, that when that Koresh dude showed up, I got the creeps real bad. I finally gave in and bought a gun. Didn't want to be cut down by the competition.” And so, Christ holed up in His ranch house, generally keeping to Himself until the last election. “I can no longer keep silent,” He said. “For 2000 years people have been claiming to act in My name, and all they do is kill the innocent and pat themselves on the back for being so righteous. Well, I'm coming back to teach them a thing or two. Hell hath no furry like a Messiah scorned.” |
WACO, TEXAS - Famed messiah and cultural icon Jesus H. Christ walked into a courtroom here today and formally petitioned to have His name legally changed to Jesus W. Christ. Meeting with reporters afterward, Christ said, “I'm hoping this will increase My appeal among My followers. Lately it seems they're more smitten with President George W. Bush than they are with Me. Maybe this will make Me more appealing to the people who claim to be acting in My name.” While Christ cited personal reasons for the name change, his request was immediately challenged by Waco's lone Democrat, Rufus A. Shanty. “Look,” said Shanty, “Jesus is a senile, doddering old man. He's at least two thousand years old. He presented a birth certificate which placed His birth date as 'December 25th, Zero, AD.' Now, as we learned during the recent Millennium, there was no year zero. The Common Era started with year one. This discrepancy would be enough to raise anyone's eyebrows. And then there are also the political ramifications to consider.” Like most liberals these days, Shanty is prone to believing in conspiracy theories. “It's obvious,” he said. “If you look on the underside of the birth certificate, you can clearly see from the old impressions that Mr. Christ's given name at birth was Jesus H. Cohen. Cohen has been erased, and the name Christ has been written over it. And look at the handwriting! This is clearly the work of Tom DeLay.” Reached in his Washington, DC, office, House Majority Leader DeLay laughed off allegations that Christ's wish to change His name was part of a larger political strategy involving the Republican Party. “Look,” said DeLay, “we already own the guy. Why should we care what He does or says? Jesus clearly has no bearing on Republican policies.” DeLay did concede that his party was seeking to turn the Ten Commandments into a constitutional amendment, and that if this happens and Christ's name change is allowed, then anyone using the term “Dubya” as an invective or saying bad things about “Dubya” would be guilty of a federal crime. “Pure coincidence,” said DeLay. “Just like the release of the hostages in Iran during Reagan's swearing in, just like the accidental funneling of weapons proceeds from Iran to the Contras, just like our Dear Leader George W. Bush's conversion to Christianity just as he decided to pursue a political career. You liberal media types are always looking for connections that just ain't there.” Speaking for Himself in a wide-ranging interview with reporters in Waco (see article below), Christ insisted that the name change was His own doing, and was not instigated by political considerations. “As a matter of fact,” explained the Messiah, “I'm the one who erased Cohen from my birth certificate and wrote Christ in its place. I mean, put yourself in My sandals. Do you think I ever would have become so popular in the South if those people realized that I'm Jewish? Sometimes even the Son of God has to fudge a little.” Regarding this second identity change, the Son of Man told reporters, “look, if there's one thing I've learned about humanity after 2000 years and change in this world, it's that the quickest way to get people to quit listening to My teachings is to convert them to Christianity. How many Christians have you met who act like they've ever considered following My Way? I have to be more competitive. It's time to start taking on the people who are using My name in vain.” “Really,” continued the Savior, “If you ask me, turnabout is fair play. I mean, that jackass president of yours keeps bringing up My name every time he decides to do something stupid, which is just about every day I might add. If he can appropriate My name to further his own ends, why can't I do the same thing to him?” Speaking off the record, a clerk at the Waco Courthouse indicated that the Justice of the Peace will be reviewing the case this week. “The Day of Judgment is coming soon. Hopefully you reporters will be ready when the time comes.” |