Breaking the News to See What's Inside!

Volume 3 Issue 2

NOVUS ORDO SECLOHUM

June 2005

CURRENT ISSUE

ARCHIVES

ADVERTISING

SUBSCRIPTIONS

WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE?

Full List of Articles in Vol. 3 Iss. 2 BUY THIS ISSUE Editorial: The Power of Scrapture READ The Giant Cabbage under New Management! READ National/World News: Inside the Bush Administration Market Forces Koran 'n Toilets READ Setting the Record Straight on Guantanamo Alaska State News: Fairbanks Burro Ass- embly Passes Beautification Ordinance READ Wildland Fire Report Released People: An Interview with Jesus H. Christ READ Jesus Christ Seeks Name Change READ Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed Jackson Trial in Netherland	New Management at The Giant Cabbage: Read About It! Editorial: The Power of Scrapture ... US military personnel and White House officials are just the hand of God, doing His work as they quake in anticipation of His return, in expectation of the parousia (a state of being aroused by paranoia). They are even building a massive space defense shield to provide a security cordon to True Christians when they ascend to the heavens... ==>READ MORE
	Inter-National: Market Forces Koran 'n Toilets WASHINGTON, D.C. - Recent allegations of Korans being flushed down toilets at the Guantanamo detention facility have been rejected by the White House and Pentagon alike. When flat-out denials did not work, the Bush administration went on a “credibility offensive” aimed at explaining exactly what happened: ... “It is possible that a copy of the Koran fell off the silver platter on which it is required to be obsequiously carried, when the guard holding the platter was bumped by a dog. The Koran fell on the dog, which, frightened, ran off with the book still on its back until it passed by a toilet stall just when the door opened. This scared the dog, which reared on its hind legs and sent the sacred book flying, inadvertently, onto the toilet seat.” Despite this uncontroversial clarification and absolution of any wrong-doing, on a recent visit to Europe, Secretary of State Condy “Steamed” Rice was confronted by a satanic anarcho-communist reporter from the Financial Times of London, who persisted in asserting American guards flushed a Koran down the toilet, to which she dutifully stamped her little feet and shouted: “DID NOT! DID NOT! DID NOT!” READ MORE	Alaska News: Fairbanks Burro Assembly Passes Beautification Ordinance FAIRBANKS - After lengthy debate and testimony, the Fairbanks Northstar Burro Assembly last night passed an ordinance allowing for the burro to fund the beautification of the Fairbanks Northstar Burro Assembly. “This ordinance is long overdue,” said presiding officer Gnarly Hex. “As anyone who's ever been in business knows, first impressions are crucial. Think about newcomers to our town. When they take a look at the people running the show here, they're going to have second thoughts about sticking around. I mean, look at us…blech!” Assemblyman Guy Sadly, a critic of the ordinance, pointed out the cost of enacting it. “Do we really need to ask the taxpayers to pay for plastic surgery for nine people? I mean, I could see funding being allocated for a round of Botox injections, but this just goes too far”... READ MORE	People: An Interview with Jesus H. Christ WACO, TEXAS - In a rare press conferen-ce following His filing for a name change, Jesus H. Christ talked about His life in the 2000 years that have passed since His crucifixion and resurrection, believed to have taken place around 33, CE. “Yeah, I hung around the Holy Land for awhile, but I had to lay low since there was a price on My head. The early Christians were cool, but then Paul turned the whole thing into this bizarre personality cult. I mean, have you read the shit he wrote about Me? Makes Me sound like some warmongering bastard looking to send everyone but Paul's little crowd to Hell eternal.” Like many long-haired, idealistic pacifists, Christ headed to the East,... READ MORE