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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 3 Issue 2 | NOVUS ORDO SECLOHUM | June 2005 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? | NOT FEATURED |
BUY THIS ISSUE The Power of Scrapture The Giant Cabbage under New Management! National/World News: Inside the Bush Administration Market Forces Koran 'n Toilets Setting the Record Straight on Guantanamo Alaska State News: Fairbanks Burro Ass- embly Passes Beautification Ordinance Wildland Fire Report Released People: An Interview with Jesus H. Christ Jesus Christ Seeks Name Change Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed Jackson Trial in Netherland |
 FAIRBANKS - After lengthy debate and testimony, the Fairbanks Northstar Burro Assembly last night passed an ordinance allowing for the burro to fund the beautification of the Fairbanks Northstar Burro Assembly. “This ordinance is long overdue,” said presiding officer Gnarly Hex. “As anyone who's ever been in business knows, first impressions are crucial. Think about newcomers to our town. When they take a look at the people running the show here, they're going to have second thoughts about sticking around. I mean, look at us…blech!” Assemblyman Guy Sadly, a critic of the ordinance, pointed out the cost of enacting it. “Do we really need to ask the taxpayers to pay for plastic surgery for nine people? I mean, I could see funding being allocated for a round of Botox injections, but this just goes too far.” Former presiding officer Hank Barstool joined the resistance, noting that “the cost of making Assemblyman Bonnie Prince William look halfway human would alone break the annual budget. Don't forget, we operate under a revenue cap.” William, who appears at assembly meetings in drag, dressed as an elderly woman, is rumored to be Vice President Dick Cheney cleverly disguised to prevent being found by terrorists or the American people. After a brief debate, the assembly passed an amendment to the ordinance which removes William from his (her?) seat and replaces him with a topless dancer from the Showboat. The amendment passed by a vote of eight to one. Speaking in support of the beautification ordinance and giggling uncontrollably, Ass-emblyman Duke of Earl Romans 13:22 jumped up and down and said “this is, like, so cool. After all these years of being a geek, I finally get to be a chick magnet. You people have no idea what this means to me.” Romans then returned to his seat and waited for the majority to instruct him on how he should vote. Also speaking in support, Assemblyman Randal Frank Lee Mydear said “I don't give a damn. I'll vote for anything that removes this permanent scowl from my face. I've been told the reason I look so pissed-off all the time is because I'm a Republican. Maybe this will help me smile while I look down on all the world around me.” During public comments, Fairbanks City Councilwoman Gonna Killbert, head of the Inferior Taxpayers' Association, denounced the ordinance. “This is an incredible waste of the taxpayers' money,” she declared. “Why don't you spend this money opening a Nordstrom store? Then you could all shop there and be as glamorous as me.”At this point laughter and hoots broke out from the assembled plebs in the gallery. After further debate, the ordinance passed six-two with one abstention. Prince Bonnie William, pouting and sucking his thumb, was carried away by local liberals who announced their intention to lynch him. “After all, William himself said we're just like the Ku Klux Klan,” explained local left-wing activist Dug Fates. “We'd hate to disappoint him.” The rest of the assembly departed for Fairbanks Memorial Hospital where area plastic surgeon Will Fixit pronounced the entire group beyond saving. “I'm only human,” said Dr. Fixit. “But I don't think the same can be said for this crew.” |