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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 3 Issue 1 | PLUS RES MUTAT, MINUS MUTAT | January 2005 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? |
BUY THIS ISSUE 15 Minutes of Fame National/World News: Americans Have Spoken: "Ave Bush! Morituri te Salutant!" Interview with George W Bush The Face of a Liberated Iraq UPC Codes Revolution Alaska State News: Casting the First Stoner Bid to Bring Down the Wal Analysis & Advice: Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed |
ANCHORAGE/FAIRBANKS - Backers of Alaska's defeated Ballot Measure Two in the November elections are blaming the failure of their initiative on low turnout of the stoner vote. “Like, uh, you know, I guess people weren't motivated or something,” said ‘Yes on Two’ organizer Bud Greene. “I mean, like, I meant to call people and stuff, but, well, it just slipped my mind.” The controversial initiative would have legalized the possession of marijuana in Alaska and would have allowed the state to regulate it in much the same manner that alcohol and tobacco are regulated now. From the start supporters of the measure knew they had to get Alaska's large population of pot heads to the polls, but, explains Greene, “I guess we never got around to it, you know.” Many potential voters got distracted on the way to the polls. Girdwood stoner Al B. Wasted left his squatter's tent Tuesday morning in his run-down 1983 Subaru station wagon with the intention of voting. “But when I looked in my rear view mirror, dude, there was this cop right behind me.” “I got kinda nervous,” Wasted went on. “I mean, I had a ‘Yes on Two’ sign in my rear window and, like, I was carrying a clean half ounce of ganja. Man, I was sweatin' THC right there. The cop followed me all the way into Anchorage. I finally lost him on the Richardson. Then I was so paranoid that I just kept drivin', man. Didn't settle down 'till I was north of Big Lake. Then I remembered my old ski bum pal Happy Graham was living in Talkeetna. He'd sent me an e-mail the other day going on about how he got the movie of The Wall on DVD and how I had to see it, you know. Well, I headed up the highway, chillin' with some String Cheese.” Wasted got to Graham's cabin around lunchtime. “I was way, way hungry, you know, so we brewed some mushroom tea and headed to the Roadhouse for veggie burgers and fries. By the time we'd eaten, the shrooms had taken effect. So we hopped on Happy's snowmachine and headed for Trapper Creek. We blasted way out there, man! Saw some caribou and laughed pretty hard. You ever look at their antlers? I mean, really look at them? Dude!” By the time the two got back to Talkeetna, night had fallen. “I had to work the slopes the next day, so after some so long bong hits I headed south. I got to Girdwood about nine that night and went to my girlfriend Mary Jane's place. She was at her bartender job, so I had to break in. I cracked a cool one after the long day and sat down in front of the tube, hoping to find an Adams Family rerun or something. I flipped on the remote and there they were, counting votes at Egan Center. Then it hit me. 'Oh noooooooo, I, like, totally forgot.'” Not only did Wasted miss his chance to vote, he never got a chance to see The Wall on DVD that day either. “What a waste,” said Wasted. In Fairbanks, peace activist Noah Warren Myname offered to drive area stoners to the polls. Many interior stoners lack wheels and have to hitchhike to Ivory Jack's all winter. “I couldn't let my brothers down,” said Myname. But just as he pulled Jerry, his 1967 Volkswagen microbus, onto Goldstream Road, the engine dropped out of the back end. “I screamed, 'No! Not again! Not now!' but it was true, man. Mega-bummer. Well, then I said, 'That's it.' I did what anyone would do in such trying circumstances. I got seriously baked.” Myname wandered aimlessly down Murphy Dome Road for what seemed to him like a couple of hours before a Christian family offered him a ride in their late model minivan. They drove him to his 8 x 12 shack way up Spinach Creek, trying the whole way to convert him. “They left me at home after telling me they'd pray for me. Man, even the eight kids offered prayers. They said their dad was running for some sort of office. All that God talk got me real paranoid. As I was walking to my outhouse I thought, 'Oh man, maybe I am going to hell.' Then I smoked a fatty and went back inside and fell asleep. Next thing I knew it was Wednesday and Bush was still president and pot was still illegal and Jerry was still sitting on the side of the road.” Organizers of the initiative held a get-out-the-vote party at a Muldoon residence, referred to as “Stony's place.” Heads from all over town showed up for the free brownies and the chance to hear a CD of the farewell performance of Phish on Stony's stereo, said to be one of the best sound systems in the state. “Man, first we played it straight through,” said attendee Nick L. Bag. “Then we set the disc changer for random mix. That got everyone mixed up. Anyway, the show was seven hours long, and we had to listen twice. I mean, Phish on random mix? Who knows what's next. Meanwhile, I guess they held the election without us. What can I say? I guess that's why they call it dope, heh, heh, heh.” Organizers of the ‘Yes on Two’ campaign said they are undeterred. “We'll be back,” said Greene. “Why, the next time we…uh…uh…hmm. What were we talking about, dude?” |
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