Breaking the News to See What's Inside!

Volume 3 Issue 1

PLUS RES MUTAT, MINUS MUTAT

January 2005

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Full List of Articles in Vol. 3 Iss. 1 BUY THIS ISSUE Editorial: 15 Minutes of Fame READ National/World News: Americans Have Spoken: "Ave Bush! Morituri te Salutant!" US Funds Tsunami After Math Interview with George W Bush The Face of a Liberated Iraq UPC Codes Revolution Alaska State News: Casting the First Stoner Bid to Bring Down the Wal Analysis & Advice: Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed

National/World News: Americans Have Spoken: Ave Bush! Morituri te Salutant! WASHINGTON, D.C. - Fox TV, Clear Channel, and other liberal media had hyped up the November presidential race for the ratings, but when it came down to the wire (razor, used to encircle free-speech zones), the old adage held fast: “A vote in the hand is worth two in for Bush.” The election was a landslide that submerged the Democratic opponent and Kerried him away. When he emerged from under the rubble, the Vietnam vet quickly conceded so that he could hose off the dirt and mud from his purple hearts. Questions arose, however, about what triggered the landslide. There were those polling stations where George Bush received 10 times more votes than the total number cast. There were Democratic precincts where only 10% of votes cast were deemed valid. There was Secretary of State Blackwell in the lynchpin state of Ohio, election supervisor and co-chair of the Bush campaign, who paid special attention to Democrats by denying voter registrations not printed on 80-lb stock paper, reducing the number of polling places in Democratic areas, refusing to replace the infamous punch-card machines, and overseeing the disenfranchisement of tens of thousands of black voters. “These are all frivolous allegations made by trial lawyers trying to line their own pockets,” retorted Bush spokesman Scott-Free McLie-land... READ MORE

Alaska News: Let Him Who is Without Sin Cast the First Stone(r) ANCHORAGE/FAIRBANKS - Backers of Alaska's defeated Ballot Measure Two in the November elections are blaming the failure of their initiative on low turnout of the stoner vote. “Like, uh, you know, I guess people weren't motivated or something,” said ‘Yes on Two’ organizer Bud Greene. “I mean, like, I meant to call people and stuff, but, well, it just slipped my mind.” The controversial initiative would have legalized the possession of marijuana in Alaska and would have allowed the state to regulate it in much the same manner that alcohol and tobacco are regulated now. From the start supporters of the measure knew they had to get Alaska's large population of pot heads to the polls, but, explains Greene, “I guess we never got around to it, you know”... ...a Christian family offered him a ride in their late model minivan. They drove him to his 8 x 12 shack way up Spinach Creek, trying the whole way to convert him. “They left me at home after telling me they'd pray for me. Man, even the eight kids offered prayers. They said their dad was running for some sort of office. All that God talk got me real paranoid. As I was walking to my outhouse I thought, 'Oh man, maybe I am going to hell.' Then I smoked a fatty and went back inside and fell asleep. Next thing I knew it was Wednesday and Bush was still president... READ MORE

AddVice: Dr. Geyges Advises Dear Dr. Geyges, We are 3rd generation Iowa hog farmers here in God's country where my Great Grand Daddy was quickened by the Holy Spirit to breed his first sow and raise 16 God fearing children. You might say hog raising is in our blood. Molly Mae and me have 5 boys of our own and all of them was raised on grade A pork. We sure hoped the angels would bring us a blond headed little baby girl but we never had none. Here is our problem, Dr. Geyges. Our oldest boy, Billy Bob, got sent over there to that Iraq place, our Pastor Smith calls it the “Promised Land,” to fight those modern day Canaanites and such like. Well, while he was there helping take and protect what God has promised His people, he was tricked into marrying one of those Canaanite harlots. And now he writes he's gonna become a Canaanite or a Moslem or what not and he's gonna change his religion and won't eat pork and a lot of such nonsense, wants us to quit raising hogs. Now, Dr. Geyges, the Bible makes it real clear what we've got to do! Like it says in Leviticus 12, he's a rebellious son, and like it tells us in Deuteronomy 13 “Thou shalt stone him to death with stones because he hath sought to draw thee away from Jehovah thy God and force you into giving up raising hogs!” Now, Dr. Geyges, we got two pickup loads of stones ready for him and that harlot when he returns in three weeks. Pastor Smith and all the folks around here are ready to help once we get started like it says in the Scriptures---you know, make it a special holy event. The Sheriff, who goes to our Church, says he's with us, even if he's got to arrest us when it's over. But the problem is... COMING SOON