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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 3 Issue 1 | PLUS RES MUTAT, MINUS MUTAT | January 2005 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? |
BUY THIS ISSUE 15 Minutes of Fame National/World News: Americans Have Spoken: "Ave Bush! Morituri te Salutant!" US Funds Tsunami After Math Interview with George W Bush The Face of a Liberated Iraq UPC Codes Revolution Alaska State News: Casting the First Stoner Analysis & Advice: Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed |
“Ave Bush! Morituri te Salutant!”* WASHINGTON, D.C. - Fox TV, Clear Channel, and other liberal media had hyped up the November presidential race for the ratings, but when it came down to the wire (razor, used to encircle free-speech zones), the old adage held fast: “A vote in the hand is worth two in for Bush.” The election was a landslide that submerged the Democratic opponent and Kerried him away. When he emerged from under the rubble, the Vietnam vet quickly conceded so that he could hose off the dirt and mud from his purple hearts. Questions arose, however, about what triggered the landslide. There were those polling stations where George Bush received 10 times more votes than the total number cast. There were Democratic precincts where only 10% of votes cast were deemed valid. There was Secretary of State Blackwell in the lynchpin state of Ohio, election supervisor and co-chair of the Bush campaign, who paid special attention to Democrats by denying voter registrations not printed on 80-lb stock paper, reducing the number of polling places in Democratic areas, refusing to replace the infamous punch-card machines, and overseeing the disenfranchisement of tens of thousands of black voters. “These are all frivolous allegations made by trial lawyers trying to line their own pockets,” retorted Bush spokesman Scott-Free McLie-land, who would not expand on how this get-rich scheme was supposed to work. Instead, he explained that the over-votes for Bush were attributable to the famed Supervoters. “The press always talks about these Supervoters, but then denies them their super-voting powers! As for the Democrats not being allowed to vote… Well, did they bring their three pieces of valid ID? Their notarized clean-credit history printouts? Their rent receipts since the last presidential election? Well? We can't allow just ANYONE to vote, not in a post-911 world.” As for Mr. Blackwell, the Bush double-spokesperson could not have been more impassioned: “Disenfranchise colored people?!! How could someone with a name like Blackwell do anything bad to African Americans? And in case you didn't notice, he's one of them...” Then Mr. McLie-a-lot began to wrap up the press conference: “We all need to put this election behind us and look to the future. Keep your hearts and minds forever on 911… We must rally behind our Commander in Chief... The enemies of freedom understand the stakes… The economy is doing great… These are troubled times, and we must all sacrifice… The President appreciates all those fighting for our cause... Investors… Shoppers… Men and women in uninform... Social security reform is long overdue… Terrorists continue to target us… Shopping is good… Buy oil… It's not about oil… The oil in the air is clean… It shows that educational vouchers are working… Frivolous trial lawyers eviscerate the unborn… Our messianic quest for global obliteration is critical to the safety and security of the free world…” At this point, it was impossible not to notice the smoke that was pouring from the ears of the Bush double-spokesperson, and when the room began filling with the smell of burnt rubber, security personnel hurried the reporters out. As expected, the following days' news reports endorsed George W. Bush and his second blessed term, in which he would surely prove himself America's, if not the world's, unifier. His first move, in fact, was to create a “Rainbow Cabinet” that spanned the diverse ethnicities and, as the president put it, “the many genders” that make up America. Of course, even inclusiveness must be within the bounds of reason, so reds, like communist Secretary of State Powell, were not allowed in the Rainbow Cabinet. Gone, too, were the yellow liberals like Attorney General John Arschkraft (“press conferences and indefinite internment won’t do it, John, we need heads on platters”) and Education Secretary Rod Paige, whose inability to go beyond just labeling the National Education Association a “terrorist organization” placed him squarely left-of-center on the political spectrum. With the more extreme liberal wing of the administration purged, doubts arose about the second Bush administration’s ability to represent all Americans; these, however, were put to rest when the cabinet representatives of ostracized and excluded Asian women, Elaine Chihuahua, and oppressed and abused African American women, Dr. “Con D. People” Rice, were joined by the first ever representative of the exploited and downtrodden Hispanics in a US administration. Joining on behalf of the discriminated Latino community, which often gets the short and sharp end of the legal stick in this country, was Alberto “Speedy-Execution” Gonzales in the role of Mr. Arschloch as head of the Justice Department. “It gave an impression of bias,” said Justice Department spokeswoman Jen E. Vasobso-Leeht “when justice, which is predominantly meted out to people of color, came from white men. Hispanics and other criminals feel it is a great success--they are proud--that their switch is now being flipped by one of their own. While some say that “Speedy” Gonzales’s views on law and its enforcement make him unique among Latinos, it should be pointed out that the man who George W. Bush has been known to refer to as “el mi Speedo” was not the president's first Latino pick. It was only after top choices Mr. Somoza and Mr. Pinochet, turned out not to be available that Mr. Gonzales was tapped for the job. There is no question that George W. Bush is launching his second term under the banner of inclusion. “The president is reaching out,” said temporary replacement White House speaker Lyle Auldetym. “He wants every aspect of this great country to be represented. Inclusion is the key word in this administration. You might note, for example, that each cabinet member’s income includes every digit at least once.” |
 A confident candidate Bush peers from the window of a polling station to see the results of his party’s recruitment efforts. On the right, dressed in white, are poll facilitators, who were deployed during the election to assist minorities in the complex process of casting votes. Bush on His Second Term and New Administration About his “Rainbow Cabinet”: “We had to replace a few key players, but if I was able to lead the Texas Ranger to a World Series victory, I certainly can do the same with my cabinet.” Later, the president lapsed into his congenial, winning style and confided: “ I tell you, though, it was not easy. We had many very talented Hispanics to choose from for Attorney General: Mr. Somoza, Mr. Trujillo, Mr. Rios Mont, Mr. Cortez, Mr. Pizarro... I was surprised that none was available, but Mr. Gonzales is at least a match for any of these.” The Treasury was also a question mark; rumors in the capital had abounded about the president pushing hard for the first Asian-Mongolian American in an administration. Mr. Bush admitted in a moment of candor: “There was some talk about the very successful Mr. Genghis Khan, who also turned out to be unavailable, but I will not waiver in my commitment to John, who we hope will continue doing his excellent Snow job.” The loss of two key black voices in the cabinet did not surprise Bush supporters, who have long argued that African Americans just cannot hold down a job. But the president expressed his compassionate conservativism and commitment to minorities when he spoke of Condoleeza Rice. “She is an African American woman who made it from utter poverty to live the American dream. And I am proud to say that few presidents brought a black woman into their closest circle as I have. I can think of Thomas Jefferson… uh, uhm… Maybe you can help me remember if there's others.” |