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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 3 Issue 1 | PLUS RES MUTAT, MINUS MUTAT | January 2005 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? |
BUY THIS ISSUE 15 Minutes of Fame National/World News: Americans Have Spoken: "Ave Bush! Morituri te Salutant!" Interview with George W Bush The Face of a Liberated Iraq UPC Codes Revolution Alaska State News: Casting the First Stoner Analysis & Advice: Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed |
15 Minutes of Fame  The jewel in the crown of George W. Bush's faith-based initiatives, the US military has been an inspiration to all who dedicate themselves to God's work. Under the banner of the famous Jesus sound bite, “Do unto others before they do unto you,” the US military has reversed the Vietnam War’s ill-fated Domino Theory into a successful contemporary Pre-emptive Dominion Theory. Like any good ol' face-painting, beer-guzzling, obstreperous sports fans, the self-described rightly righteous right refused to accept defeat. Vietnam, they claimed, was lost by cowardly Democratic politicians who maliciously undercut the military by depriving it of the bare necessities to win. Had it been granted more than a pathetic $494 billion (adjusted), a mere 6.5 million tons of bombs, and a measly 400,000 tons of napalm by stingy civilian leaders, the US military could have kept the Vietnamese domino upright. The historical record also shows that George W. Bush, star of the documentary Rambo, was well on his way to turning the war around when US leaders, afraid of victory, forced him into the Texas National Guard, thus dooming the war effort. Since his conversion to the Truth (“ah'm told that’s what 'Jesus' means in Hee-brew”), which elevated him to the hallowed seat beside the Almighty, George W. Bush suddenly saw all in a rapture of clarity: Vietnam was lost because the US was on the wrong side of the dominoes game, trying to prevent them from falling rather than actively toppling them. Once baptized president, Bush turned his newfound understanding into action. With 911 as a catalyst (White House mantra: “If in trouble, call 911; if still in trouble, recall 911”) he launched the new Dominion Theory; the US began lining up dominoes and knocking them down--Afghanistan, Iraq, now Iran, next Syria. But all who have played the game of knocking down dominoes are very aware that the key is to know exactly how to line the dominoes up. And the key to lining them up right is intelligence. This business is not new. Centuries ago, the Catholic Church had identified the risk witches and heretics presented to their way of life. It recognized the value of the Crusades in pre-empting the spread of evil. Key to this effort was the Holy Inquisition, which sought out intelligence from the forces of Satan so that they may be stymied before they could perpetrate their nefarious plans. Religious scholars have tried ascribing the Inquisition's obsession with extraction of intelligence to the equation of intelligence with Knowledge (the same that constituted the infamous tree behind man's fall from Grace) that is, something that must be exorcized to protect the bliss of faith-based institutions. But intelligence was also what was needed to line up the dominoes and topple them to pave the way to Jerusalem. Today's leaders are no different from those of the past. They are in desperate need of intelligence. Today, the intelligence serves to topple dominoes across the Middle East in a beautiful chain conflagration that is a fitting tribute to a God of wrath and pestilence and floods and firestorms. Surely, nobody can deny the administration such a sacrosanct immolation. And when the domino tiles finally come to rest, they will serve as a panoramic walkway between oil derricks across a desert that glows in the radiant light of depleted uranium. All the administration needs is some flexibility, a little nuance, in the parameters, so that it may gather the best intelligence. There has been much ado about Alberto Gonzales's torture memos that seek to exclude from the definition of torture “extreme and undue pressure put on the word 'torture' so that it may yield a definition that does not call for such measures to be used against itself.” But to think that the White House is slicing its way through the thick fog created by its own trumpeted, terror-drenched flatulence solely powered by hebephrenic zealots and minority representatives who have been spliced with millionaire genes and fertilized with religion, is to be missing the bigger picture. Critics would do well, in fact, to heed what the White House is learning from the old hands. Last summer, for instance, the Pope pontificated about some research that announced the Holy Inquisition practiced humane torture, limiting sessions to a Warholyan 15 minutes--really no time at all… Hardly time for a decent manicure, and just a little longer than it takes to boil water for tea, iron a shirt, or power up your drill. This revelation was duly noted by the US administration that, with a nod and a wink to the Vatican, limited George W. Bush's last visit with the Pope to 15 minutes. The point is that pre-emptively toppling dominoes requires gathering sound intelligence, and to gather sound intelligence, there might be the need for a little water, a little electricity, a little extra energy. Surely, no reasonable person would deny a vigorous interrogation to force information from an obtuse and recalcitrant man who feigns ignorance about his own plans to harm countless innocents? Or a little roughing up to cut to the chase when evil power-brokers play rhetorical games with their questioners? Surely a little stretch is OK to help preserve the security of our way of life from maniacs hell-bent on destruction. It is time for Congress to stop placing speed bumps before the administration on questions of torture, and start applying it to it. Surely, a brief 15 minutes outside the quaint constraints of the obsolete Geneva Chivalry Rules would help prod Mr. Gonzales to give answers in place of his 23 Reaganesque “I can’t recall” and “I can’t disclose” replies at his confirmation hearing. Mr. Rumsfeld would likely stop waxing rhapsodical about the absence of evidence and the evidence of absence. Ms. Rice might recant her mushroom-cloud-induced delusions. And Mr. Bush might rediscover the value of veracity, or at very least sport his cockeyed grimace for a reason. It just takes embracing the administration with its own arms. |