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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 2 Issue 4 | STULTI REGNANT | September 2004 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? |
BUY THIS ISSUE Living in a Democretiny Law Barring Ignorant Voters Would Cut Electorate by 80% US & Chinese Leaders Summit Up Alaska State News: Primate Elections in Review Analysis & Advice: Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed New Dalai Lama Movie to Blow Audiences Away |
WASHINGTON, DC - Rollercoaster. Whiplash legislation. Plain ol' Crazy. Rarely has a proposed law been described quite this way. Then again, the much-debated Vetting Out The Ignorant Neanderthal Group to Protect our Democracy (VOTING to P) Act is no average piece of legislation. Advocated by grassroots groups and drafted by progressive legislators, the Act requires voters to pass a basic test of knowledge about government and its effects before casting their votes. Voting to P had hardly hit the floor that it was warmly endorsed by an overwhelming majority of Republicans and conservative Democrats. Then, in less than 24 hours, the conservatives screeched to an abrupt stop, spun around, and high-tailed it, causing the legislation to be dubbed “the Whiplash law.” This nickname, in turn, caused the legislators in Attourniquet General Arschkraft's circle of friends and other Abu Ghraib apologists to endorse it before realizing the nickname was not an enumeration of the interrogation techniques it sanctioned. VOTING to P stipulates that if a democratic government is, as was famously stated, “by the people,” then these people need to have some rudimentary understanding of what is going on when they go to the polls. “You wouldn't entrust heart surgery to someone who thinks a coronary is a royal ceremony,” says Will C. Beterdais of Americans Supporting Sanity. “You wouldn't have your car worked on by a mechanic who can't even find the lever to release the hood. So why should you entrust the decision of who will run our country to people who vote based on name recognition or TV commercials?” It is no coincidence that the legislation is being proposed during the Bush presidency: The idea first surfaced when polls showed a majority of Americans insisted that Iraq was in league with Al'Quaeda and behind 911 even after George Bush himself denied the link. “Think about it,” explains Beterdais, “here we launch a war [in Iraq] that is costing us hundreds of billions of dollars, not to speak of countless lives, because a mob of the pitifully misinformed raged hell-bent after the wrong guy. To make the comparison again, would you give your car to a mechanic who changes your transmission when the problem is with the windshield wiper motor?” While the drafters thought requiring informed and reasoning voters would be anathema to most elected officials, Conservatives jumped aboard like it was the last limo to a junket. Senator Trent Lott of Mississippi, upon hearing about VOTING to P couldn't contain himself: “I knew it! I knew it! Jim Crow is back!! Halleluja!” After the senator was tackled by his aides, who pinned him down while whispering in his ear, Mr Lott turned back: “Forgive me. That’s Jerico, not Jim Crow. Jerico’s a town back home, which has the brightest people. They would all pass the voting tests, as would the vast majority of Mississippians.” The proud senator of a state where 60% of applicants failed their written driving test added: “I fully support the legislation.” The next day, however, the senator launched a scathing tirade against VOTING to P, denouncing it as anti-democratic and violating the 15th Amendment and the Voting Rights Act that he held so dearly. A different insight was provided by a leaked internal memo to the Senator from his own staff: “Beware! This is not the old-style Literacy Test. Black voters are all over this one, and we can't think of too many of your supporters who would pass.” In fact, in a pilot test African Americans scored 5 times higher than whites in questions about White House policies. “I suppose the centuries spent slaves, being beaten, whipped, killed, have paid off with a healthy skepticism of the US government,” opined Will C. Beterdais. Perhaps even more interesting is that no regular Fox News viewers passed the test, and Rush Limbaugh listeners distinguished themselves with perfect scores, netting no points at all. The pilot test revealed that only 20% of citizens would actually qualify to vote, but many of these are part of the disillusioned majority which does not vote at all. “It would not do our image any good to have only 5-10% qualified voters,” said a source inside Capitol Hill, who indicated VOTING to P would be quickly and quietly disposed of. “Take out all the independents, Greens, Nader voters, and fringe candidate supporters, and you have just about nothing left. It would seriously damage the system that has taken so long to set up.” |
  Sample Questions from the Pilot Test®©™** [Note: all the answers are “No”] * Is global warming questioned by most scientists? * Do malpractice lawsuits make up a substantial slice of the US health care costs? * Does Claudia Schiffer prefer a $4,500 Byzantine Murano Glass Vase to a handmade Alaskawoods basket in her foyer? * Are US poverty and infant mortality rates among the lowest of developed countries? * Do harsh punishments for criminals diminish recidivism? * Do you find better wines at the Sanctuaire Papal de l'Art des Vins in the Loire Valley or at the Goldstream General Store in Fairbanks's Goldstream Valley? * If 92,000,000 Americans keep an average of $1,083 more of their own money, does that mean they each get to keep around $1,000? ** - Property of Stellar Communications that produced the test booklets (and stunning they are!) and thus reverses all rights over them. |