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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 2 Issue 4 | STULTI REGNANT | September 2004 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? |
BUY THIS ISSUE Living in a Democretiny Law Barring Ignorant Voters Would Cut Electorate by 80% US & Chinese Leaders Summit Up Alaska State News: Primate Elections in Review Analysis & Advice: Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed New Dalai Lama Movie to Blow Audiences Away |
Primate Elections in Review FAIRBANKS - Alaska and Fairbanks Northstar Burro voters went to the polls recently to choose candidates for the upcoming fall elections. Some primary races were tight, and at least two contests resulted in upset victories. In one of the most closely watched local races, restaurateur J. Ramrasta edged out incumbent Representative Mick Stupabit for the Republican nomination in District 10 and advanced to the general election. Stupabit had been appointed to the seat by HRH Frank Murkowski after it was vacated by Jim Whatever, who lanced Rhonda Boils in last year's burro mayoral race. Ramrasta, a well known local personality who operates the Grease Factory restaurant chain, pulled ahead late in the race by promising voters “a chicken wing in every pot.” “That got my vote,” said local resident Chloe Esteral in an exit poll conducted by Giant Cabbage reporter Amanda Ohman. Ramrasta, a devout Rastafarian, made national headlines a few years back when he traveled to Kingston, Jamaica, in an unsuccessful effort to find a good Rasta wife to bring home to Fairbanks. In the Republican race in House District 8, former federal court judge Joe “Hangman” Killer easily defeated Tom Scarboroughfair. Scarboroughfair cried foul as soon as results were announced. “The man is cheating,” the defeated candidate proclaimed. “Do you realize how many kids that guy has? More than the Waltons, for God's sake. How can he possibly lose an election when he has personally employed his vast reproductive talents to stock the district with offspring that will go right out and vote for him?” At this writing, Fish and Game officials were reportedly investigating whether Killer had a permit for farming voters. Over in District 7, Bonnie Prince William was trounced by newcomer Mike Belly. “I don't understand it,” said William from a secret, undisclosed location. “I just assumed that since people could vote in private, that they would vote for me. I mean, I've always believed in pulling a curtain over the public's view of anything I'm doing as an elected official. You think they'd return the favor.” As usual, William campaigned in drag, disguised as an elderly woman. In House District 9, local Deaniac Scott Suzuki sped away with the Democratic nomination and will go on to face the Republican incumbent, greenhouse owner and popular porn star Long John Holm. Asked how he plans to defeat Holm, who leads him in the poles, Suzuki said, “I have a method.” In the race for State Senate Seat E, longtime attorney and back-of-the-phone book star attraction Rita T. Aiyeee! won the right to face incumbent Republican Gary Wiltin' this fall. It was unclear at press time what color and style of hair Aiyee! will sport as she attempts to pry voters out of Wiltin's sweaty fingers. In the statewide race to win the Democratic nomination to take on entrenched Representative Don “Not So” Young, local activist Davis Miles eked ahead on his promise to provide free bus service between Baghdad and Washington DC so that Iraqi insurgents could blow up politicians who voted in favor of the war rather than innocent American troops who are simply following orders. For his part, Young's office said the Congressman for All Alaska hopes to make his biannual ten minute visit to the state sometime before the election, but refused to promise this would occur, citing the urgent need for fund-raising from major Texas-based oil corporations, the primary reason why Young has neither visited the state nor the House of Representatives in recent memory. In the biggest upset of the election, both the Democratic and Republican nominations for the US Senate were won by perennial fringe candidates. Democrats chose Anchorage whacko Theresa Overflyer over former Governor Stony Knolls. Overflyer, attired in a straightjacket and speaking from her campaign headquarters in the psych ward at Providence Hospital, promised “things will be different when I'm in the Senate.” Analysts agreed. Alaska's longtime Senator Ted Stevens, meanwhile, was reportedly hiring additional bodyguards. Republicans ousted sitting Senator Princess Lisa Murkowski in favor of strict constitutionalist Jim Bore. Bore, who never tires of boring the public with his endless whining and campaigning, said he felt vindicated. “There is nothing in the US Constitution which authorizes the government to exist,” he told the two reporters who were willing to interview him under the express condition that he be allowed to hold them at gunpoint throughout the interview. “When I go to Washington I'll show those terrorists how to take down a civilization.” Republican voter Stew Pidd said it wasn't the nepotism issue that caused him to vote against Murkowski. “It was those eyes, man,” he said, shivering. “Look, I've got to watch TV, just like the next guy, and frankly, I just couldn't face six more years of watching Lisa's pupils bug out of my idiot box. I mean, I thought I had a pair of 3-D glasses on the first time I saw her. Can you believe that those things are real?” Fairbanks commentator Kermit Dole summed up the primary election best: “Once again, Alaskans have no one worth voting for. You think we'd all just pick up and leave the state after awhile, but I suppose the amusement factor of each election cycle keeps us all hanging around.” |
 J. Ramrasta: Bringing ethnic variety and hot queasyne to the race in District 10. |