Full List of Articles in Vol. 2 Iss. 4
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Editorial:
Living in a Democretiny
READ
National/World News:
Law Barring Ignorant Voters Would Cut Electorate by 80%
Bush Crowned Emperor
Bush Executive Order Makes “Jail-Time Credits” Available to Corporate Criminals
US & Chinese Leaders Summit Up
Alaska State News:
Primate Elections in Review
Miracle on the Parks Highway: RV Reaches Speed Limit
Analysis & Advice:
Dr. Geyges Advises:
Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed
New Dalai Lama Movie to Blow Audiences Away |
National/World News:
Law Barring Ignorant Voters Would Cut Electorate by 80%
WASHINGTON, DC - Rollercoaster. Whiplash legislation. Plain ol' Crazy. Rarely has a proposed law been described quite this way. Then again, the much-debated Vetting Out The Ignorant Neanderthal Group to Protect our Democracy (VOTING to P) Act is no average piece of legislation. Advocated by grassroots groups and drafted by progressive legislators, the Act requires voters to pass a basic test of knowledge about government and its effects before casting their votes. Voting to P had hardly hit the floor that it was warmly endorsed by an overwhelming majority of Republicans and conservative Democrats. Then, in less than 24 hours, the conservatives screeched to an abrupt stop, spun around, and high-tailed it, causing the legislation to be dubbed “the Whiplash law.” This nickname, in turn, caused the legislators in Attourniquet General Arschkraft's circle of friends and other Abu Ghraib apologists to endorse it before realizing the nickname was not an enumeration of the interrogation techniques it sanctioned...
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Alaska News:
Primate Elections in Review
...In the biggest upset of the election, both the Democratic and Republican nominations for the US Senate were won by perennial fringe candidates. Democrats chose Anchorage whacko Theresa Overflyer over former Governor Stony Knolls. Overflyer, attired in a straightjacket and speaking from her campaign headquarters in the psych ward at Providence Hospital, promised “things will be different when I'm in the Senate.” Analysts agreed. Alaska's longtime Senator Ted Stevens, meanwhile, was reportedly hiring additional bodyguards.
Republicans ousted sitting Senator Princess Lisa Murkowski in favor of strict constitutionalist Jim Bore. Bore, who never tires of boring the public with his endless whining and campaigning, said he felt vindicated. “There is nothing in the US Constitution which authorizes the government to exist,” he told the two reporters who were willing to interview him under the express condition that he be allowed to hold them at gunpoint throughout the interview. “When I go to Washington I'll show those terrorists how to take down a civilization.”...
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Entertainment/World Domination:
New Dalai Lama Movie to Blow Audiences Away
&
Bush Crowned Emperor
The entire world would surely agree that it is, indeed, the greatest story ever told, though the definitions of “story” would doubtlessly run the dictionary gamut, from “news article” to “romantic legend” to “a lie.” Everyone would also agree that the story of Jesus has had a transforming impact on the world, launching a wildly successful religion that deserves a place of honor in the Used-Car Salesman Hall of Fame: No matter whether you wish to love, kill, embrace, discriminate, feed the poor or nuke a nation, Christianity can be your religion and moral underpinning. It's like being able to sell a used FIAT Fiasco to both Mother Theresa (even in her present condition) and John Arschcroft.
The story of Jesus Christ, like most religious accounts, depends on the suspension of disbelief. We must accept the incredible: from an immaculate conception, to a miraculous ability to cure ailments and give blind vision, to vanquishing life through resurrection. In fact, Christ's extraordinary final episode is so compelling that it is relived annually at Easter throughout the Western world, when a giant bunny rabbit (Jesus) hides Easter eggs (future life, the continuation of the human race) where little children (little children) can find them (find religion)....
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