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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 2 Issue 4 | STULTI REGNANT | September 2004 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? |
BUY THIS ISSUE Living in a Democretiny Law Barring Ignorant Voters Would Cut Electorate by 80% US & Chinese Leaders Summit Up Alaska State News: Primate Elections in Review Analysis & Advice: Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed New Dalai Lama Movie to Blow Audiences Away |
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a White House ceremony attended by a select few reporters and most of his Cabinet today, President Bush officially assumed the role of Emperor of the Holy Republican Empire. “Today I do what my American subjects erected me to do,” said the president. “With this action we formalize the abolishment of demography…excuse me, democracy which began when I was anointed…I mean, appointed…uh…uh…elected to the presidency. God now sits at the head of our shoulders, and I am his witless…uh…make that witness.” The president, bedecked in a gold-trimmed toga and a tiara made of hardy laurel leaves then assumed his new title: Georgeus Dubyus Accostus Caesar. Immediately afterward he turned to Vice President Cheney and officially dubbed him Dickus Maximus. Speaking to reporters, Accostus Caesar said it was time to begin anew in America, hereafter known as the HRE. “Our nation has had many infernal…make that, internal conflicts,” said the emperor. “But it is time to put these problems to our behind. I've instructed my Minister for the Enforcement of Law and Order, John Ashcroft, to estab…es…estable…establish a truth and reconsideration…I mean, reconciliation committee to round up all deciduous…I mean, disindigenuous…uh, make that dissidents…yeah…dissidents, and properly interrograte them.” The ceremony was attended by all of Accostus Caesar's cabinet members except Secretary of State Colin Powell, whom no one remembered to invite. Following the ceremony Accostus Caesar led his entourage out to the Rose Garden where a jazz combo called the Caesarean Section played easy-listening martial music. Accostus Caesar, known to be a teetotaler, took a plastic bottle of Vanilla Coke and hit it against the White House repeatedly before it finally exploded from the internal pressure. With sticky syrup dripping from his hands, his toga, and the side of the White House, Accostus Caesar officially re-christened the executive mansion Caesar's Palace. Then, in a move clearly designed to play to television audiences, Accostus Caesar, who as a young man had served in the Equine National Reserve, donned a gladiator's helmet, jumped aboard a chariot, and expertly piloted it to the National Mall. There he stepped down from his chariot and up onto a podium, whereupon he addressed his subjects: “My fellow HREians. Today, as Accostus Seizure … I mean Sneezer … uh … Caesar, I do hereby decree an end to all major hospitalities … ehm..., hostilities in the Holy Republican Umpire.” The emperor then stepped down from the podium and as he stepped around the curtain which had been draped behind it, a microphone accidentally picked up Accostus Caesar suddenly gasping, and in a bewildered voice saying, “et tu, Dickus?” No explanation of this has been provided by the royal court as of press time. |
New Dalai Lama Movie to Blow Audiences Away HOLLYWOOD, CA - Hot on the heels of his hit film The Passion of the Christ, Mel Gibson has announced that he will be producing a new movie about the early life of the Dalai Lama. “This won't be some wimpy flick that implies the Dalai Lama is some kind of pacifist loser,” Gibson told reporters at a Hollywood press conference. “This Dalai Lama will kick some ass!” Bolstering Gibson's image of the Tibetan spiritual leader as a he-man will be California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who will take time out from his executive duties to star in the upcoming production. “Zis vill be no girly monk,” said Schwarzenegger. “Zere vill be no red dress. He vill vear tight jeans and a bläck tänk top to reveal his rippling muscles. Zis Dalai Lama vill inspire ze Tibetan people vith his heroic äcts. He vill be seen decapitating ze communist Chinese and hurling flaming yaks at zeir tanks.” According to Gibson, the movie, to be titled The Lamanator, will paint a more accurate picture of the Dalai Lama than that which has been presented in other motion pictures about Tibet's exiled temporal and spiritual head. “Previous films about the man were produced by squishy liberal Hollywood types,” he explained. “That just won't play in red state America. People want their religious leaders to be armed and dangerous.” Gibson brushed off criticisms from the Anti-Defamation League which claims the script for the movie contains anti-Semitic scenes. “Look,” Gibson angrily explained, “It's an established fact that Mao's inner circle was a highly secret Zionist cabal bent on world domination. Just because I'm showing the historical truth in my movie doesn't mean I'm an anti-Semite. Why, some of my best friends are Jews.” Gibson also denied that casting Schwarzenegger in the lead role was culturally insensitive. “This movie is geared toward an American audience,” he said. “Twenty percent of them can't even locate their own country on a world map. How can you expect them to discriminate between an Austrian accent and a Tibetan one? The important thing is that we show lots and lots of blood. That's what brings 'em in.” Director Martin Scorsese, who has also made movies about Jesus and the Dalai Lama, said Gibson was on the right track. “Both my films presented their respective subjects as decent, honorable men,” he explained. “And both of them tanked at the box office. If you want to have a hit in this country, you need action. If I had it to do all over, I'd cast the Dalai Lama as Scarface and Jesus Christ as Travis Bickel. That would bring in the faithful.” Scorsese continued, “Tell Gibson to replace the 'Om Mani Padme Hum' chant in the monasteries with 'Back Off Mother-F@%&er.' Have the Dalai Lama bite Mao's nose off and spit it in his bleeding face.” Sweaty and overcome with cinematic excitement, Scorsese cut off the interview at this point. For his part, Gibson refused to divulge too many details of The Lamanator, but he did say the film will climax with Schwarzenegger, atop a horse, turning back for one last look at Tibet before fleeing to safety in India, and growling “I'll be bääääääääck!” |