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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 2 Issue 3 | ANNUAL (none of your) BUSINESS ISSUE | July 2004 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? |
BUY THIS ISSUE Healing a Bipolar World Reagan Recalled 20 Years too Late, Recall "Symbolically Important" President Charged with Sailormongering Alaska State News: Libertines Think Tanked Plan to Avoid Federal Tax Alaska State Ferry Runs Aground on Budget Gap Reef Larry, Moe Still Miss Curly Fairbanks Peace Activits Held in Domestic Assault Senator Plans Sex Change Analysis & Advice: Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed |
ANCHORAGE - Alaska's budget shortfall has been a hindrance to lawmakers, who would much rather focus their attentions on legislating ironic days of remembrance for presidents who couldn't, legalizing bear-cub-baiting, or regulating alcohol delivery to cruise ships. “It seems there is something wrong with this democracy,” says North Pole Representative Jaune Coughill. “We were elected because people believed we would eliminate the deficit without raising taxes. What kind of a democracy is it where budget spreadsheets and fiscal realities stand in the way of the will of the people?” Fellow Interior Republican Ralph C. King added: “I think fiscal realities are a pinko-green environmentalist plot.” Even Alaska's liberal flagship of truth in reporting, the Fairbanks Deli Muse Mindless chimed in, accusing the junta of some 20 odd Democrats in Juneau of using their socialist dictatorial powers to strangle Alaska with its own purse strings. On budget matters, the legislators' strategy has been to bravely line up behind His Royal Highness, Governor Murkowski, tucked in his wake as he machetes his way through the insidious forest of social services on the way to the mother loaded. A more refined solution to Alaska's fiscal problem was put forth last week by the libertarian research institution, the Libertines Think Tanked Ltd. (LiTTeL), during its monthly gathering at the Nutty Ale Microbrewery. Things were well underway at the meeting, when LiTTeL's leader, Hans Ophmydoe, fired up the hall: “The Feds tax us into poverty!! And what do we get in return?!??!” The leader's advisors tugged on his flannel shirt tails to briefly confer before Ophmydoe stepped back up to the podium: “Aside from bringing over $7 billion to Alaska, providing one in three jobs in the state, 2/3 of all research funding, over $1 billion in capital spending, $300 million for highways, $200 million for education … What have the feds ever done for us??!!” Ophymore paused for effect, then shouted: “Nothing!!!” The crowd went wild, whopping and hollering. “The federal government,” shouted the LiTTeL leader above the din, “is trampling over us like a Frankenstein monster out of control!!!” The roar redoubled, as the crowd rose to its feet brandishing appetizer forks and lighters and, with shouts of “Burn the feds!” “Kill the monster!” “Burn! Burn!”, formed a microbrewery mob out for blood. After a pause, perfectly timed for a quick pint, Hans Ophmydoe raised his hands theatrically, stopping the seething mob: “But we will get them! We will not pay another cent to the demons in Washington! And here is how:” The mob waited, transfixed. “State taxes are deducted from our federally taxable gross income, so if the state taxes us 100% of our income, we would pay nothing to the feds! Of course, the state wouldn't really keep that amount--you would pay the tax on December 31st, and on January 1st you would be refunded all but some 10%, which would remain with the state. That way, the feds get nothing, the state fixes its financial problems, we all cut our taxes to 10%!!” You could have heard a pin drop in the room; then, the crowd erupted: “Burn the feds!” “Kill the monster!” “Burn! Burn!”, and the fearsome microbrewery mob flooded out into the crisp night on the quest. Two journalists covering the meeting stayed behind, sobered by a fiscal proposal that did not conform to traditional government-mandated Seig-Hail-Mary plans. Their questions came fast and furious: “How could people come up with all that money at the end of the year?”“What about the following year? Wouldn't the amount refunded on Jan 1st make the next year's income almost twice as high?” Ophmydoe showed why he is not, nor ever will be in government, by giving reasoned answers: “People won't need to come up with the money. The state can arrange the loan the same way car dealers do, and it's only for one day… You're right about the refund growing each year--this will make people's incomes appear to grow considerably on paper each year, but that means eventually they'll join the negative-tax bracket and be eligible for all sorts of rebates, refunds, and loopholes; why, they might even receive lucrative reconstruction contracts in Iraq.” Good as Ophmydoe's plan sounds, or precisely because it sounds good, it is likely to go nowhere in Juneau, where legislators will get bogged down trying to understand why car dealers should get our tax money, and how a 27% tax on $0 would be $0. |
Governor Forced to Seek New Revenue Having failed to disclose until after election that it would take years for his touted oil and mining monies to flow, His Royal Highness Governor Frank Murkowski has been forced by unusually responsible citizens to find alternative natural resources to exploit immediately, starting with his own. Despite earning $6.93 (a year’s worth of Health & Social Services budget) on the streets of Juneau, the Governor is being pressured to change his tack: Instead of asking for money to play, he will begin asking for money to pack up and leave--the windfall should be more than enough to balance the state budget. |