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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 2 Issue 3 | ANNUAL (none of your) BUSINESS ISSUE | July 2004 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? |
BUY THIS ISSUE Healing a Bipolar World Reagan Recalled 20 Years too Late, Recall "Symbolically Important" Multinationals Outsource Jobs to Kalahari Bushmen President Charged with Sailormongering Alaska State News: Libertines Think Tanked Plan to Avoid Federal Tax Larry, Moe Still Miss Curly Fairbanks Peace Activits Held in Domestic Assault Senator Plans Sex Change Analysis & Advice: Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed |
20 Years too Late, Recall “Symbolically Important” THE RANCH, CA - Present and former world leaders were recalling Ronald Reagan, the nation's fortieth president, who died recently. “I was just an up-and-coming dictator,” said Saddam Hussein from his prison cell in Baghdad. “Most people thought I was little more than a two-bit oppressor. But Reagan saw my potential. He took me under his wing and supplied me with money, weapons, agricultural subsidies, even the necessary ingredients to make poison gas. Thanks to Reagan, I became the moral equivalent of Adolph Hitler.” Saddam repaid Reagan for his kindness by supplying the US with oil priced two dollars below the spot market price-per-barrel. “I wanted to help him out. After all, he was such a kindly old man,” explains the imprisoned former Iraqi dictator. “I think it's safe to say that, without Reagan, I never would have gone as far in life as I have.” From a prison cell half a world away, former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega reflected on his glory days running with Reagan before he fell afoul of the deceased president's successor, George HW Bush.“Me and Ronnie, we were quite a pair,” says Noriega. “In our lighter moments we often referred to ourselves as 'the Crack Team.'” Ayatollah Seyed Ali Khamenei, spiritual head of Iran, credited Reagan with jumpstarting his country's programs for weapons of mass destruction. “Reagan's secret supplying of arms, along with his allowing for nuclear technology to be transferred to our Holy Islamic State, brought us up to par. Were it not for Reagan's assistance in arming Iran, we might have been little more than an also-ran for the Axis of Evil.” Others also spoke warmly of Reagan. From a hidden cave somewhere in the Northwest Frontier Province of Pakistan, Osama bin Laden remembered the wayward days of his youth. “Back in the early eighties I was just another pissed-off college student, drinking and chasing loose women, just like [George] W [Bush]. But Reagan came forth talking of a holy jihad in Afghanistan. He almost single-handedly reignited Islamic rage.” Continues bin Laden, “We Muslims hadn't seriously considered waging a full-scale war against the Western powers since we were driven from Spain in 1492. But that's all changed, and no small thanks to Ronald Reagan. May Allah be merciful upon him.” Outgoing CIA chief George Tenet recalled Reagan's presidency as the glory days of his agency. “We had several profitable years back then,” said Tenet. “The Cocaine Import Agency controlled the market. With the help of the Contras and Ollie North, we were able to keep Americans well supplied with white powder, as well as provide an excuse for the war on drugs. And without the war on drugs to erode the American people's constitutional rights, the USA-Patriot Act would never have been as far-reaching as it is. If it wasn't for Reagan and his wondrous vision, none of this would have been possible.” Ordinary people also have much to thank Reagan for. “I can't tell you how much I hated my mother-in-law,” says impoverished Guatemalan banana plantation laborer Jose Canyosee. “But then she was brutally murdered by a right-wing death squad which had obtained training under a Reagan Administration counter-insurgent education program at the School of the Americas, and my domestic life has been tranquil ever since.” “It's the same with my children,” chimes in El Salvadoran coffee harvester Jesus Cruz Ificado. “Reagan and the Pope were the same about brith control and abortions, so we all ended up with 14, 15 children. But at least Reagan funded death squads to control the population growth. Now when I come home from work with my daily earnings of 18 cents, it is to a home with two very quiet children.” Moral Majority founder Jerry Falwell praised Reagan for ignoring the AIDS crisis for seven years. “Think how many homos we'd still be contending with if Reagan had done his job and addressed the situation. Why, the spread of God's divine judgment on the sodomites might have been slowed considerably.” From these words and many others, it seems a safe bet that Reagan's legacy is secure. And if the promises of Congress are kept, we'll soon be seeing the smiling face of our fortieth president on our money, right alongside the mug shots of our slaveholding forefathers. |
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