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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 2 Issue 3 | ANNUAL (none of your) BUSINESS ISSUE | July 2004 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? |
BUY THIS ISSUE Healing a Bipolar World National/World News: Reagan Recalled 20 Years too Late, Recall "Symbolically Important" President Charged with Sailormongering Alaska State News: Libertines Think Tanked Plan to Avoid Federal Tax Larry, Moe Still Miss Curly Fairbanks Peace Activits Held in Domestic Assault Senator Plans Sex Change Analysis & Advice: Dr. Geyges Advises: Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed |
Healing a Bipolar World After losing over 60 million people in two world wars, our earth understandably went bi-polar. In its new configuration, the nefarious, abominable USSR was pitted against, and eventually by, the pure and virtuous US. True to clinical bipolarism, our world was caught between hopelessness, worthlessness, and a sad feeling of emptiness on one side, and rapid-fire euphoria, spending sprees, and a fantastic belief in one's powers on the other. The tension between the two poles made our world prone to wild emotional swings, irritability, aggression, potentially suicide. The cure for our planet came courtesy of the Hollywood B-movie sets, in the name of Ronald Reagan. Smoothly transitioning from consorting with chimpanzees on the screen to leading the world's richest nation, Reagan turned up the heat: polar caps began disappearing, walls came down, and consumer brand names flooded the East block in the thaw of détente. Reagan launched the revolution that today is known as the “neocon movement,” named in jest at the over 2 million Americans it helped put behind bars. Policies launched by Reagan, and maintained by subsequent administrations, received a mighty boost from George W. Bush, with sky-rocketing military spending, hyper-consumerism, obliteration of nature, and absolute corporate domination of society in what has now become a unipolar world. Scientists claim that a unipolar world is a physical impossibility, but once a key force in leading human development, science has finally been relegated to its deserved cult status. “Scientists are false druids of voodoo!” booms top Bush scientific advisor, Reverend Al Kehmist. “Their primitive cult demands its followers blindly accept Satanic falsehoods like 'causality.' They have taken the reins of our society with dumbing mantras and rituals that soothe the ignorant disciples of Beelzebub!” Indeed, the scientists imposed strict adherence to arbitrary rules of evidence, objectivism, and an obsessive use of hypotheses (where a thesis is slowed down until it can't go anywhere). We can thank Ronald Reagan for liberating us from the oppressive creed of science. Reagan proved that healthy social policies should not rely on exhaustive research findings, but on effectively deployed anecdotes--thus the story about the welfare queen using food stamps to buy vodka was all it took to convince wise and liberated citizens that the social welfare system, was, indeed, a netherworldly plot. Reform was inevitable, and the New Deal was set on a course for annihilation. Similarly, Reagan reformed jaded rules of logic by effectively employing the sillygism: “Ron paved the way!” hollers Rev. Al Kehmist. “He was like John the Baptist. And today… Today we have the Messiah! Praise the Lord!!” The Reverend speaks for the educated of the United States, who have shed their chains as the Bush administration moved to rapidly sanitize society, cleansing our country like waters of a monsoon storm ravaging through Ottawa. Key was Bush's debunking causality, one of the cornerstones of the science cult. The president set his sights on overthrowing Saddam Hussein and proferred reason after overwhelming reason as cause for invading Iraq. Then he deftly let each cause evaporate in turn, to show that cause has no relation to effect. With scientific tenets up against the ropes, Bush delivered the final blow to the concept of effect, as embodied in the liberated peaceful, stable, and democratic Iraq that would result from his war. The world watched as post-invasion reveled in carnage, subjugated locals to foreign corporate interests, made self-determination a mere fantasy, and filled Iraqis' hearts and minds with sorrow and hate; we all came to understand that not just the cause, but the effect, too, does not exist. It stands to reason that the Bush administration refuses to release any of its documents, be they about national defense, prisoner treatment, or energy policies. Doing so would reinforce the false precepts of connected events, of causes, plans, directives having any meaning. It would feed the retrograde holdovers from a past era of bipolarism, who march in the streets, sue the administration, and try to rally people in the futility of voting. The documents will be locked away for good, along with those who seek their release. In the meantime, the White House is preparing a fitting tribute to our new world order: A trillion-dollar space shield that scientists agree cannot protect the US against intercontinental ballistic missile attacks, which international relations scholars, in turn, agree are the least likely of all attacks on the US. It is the perfect symbol of a new era, one where science is replaced by faith. The same way that micro-chips have gotten smaller, faster, and more powerful, so, too, has human development. While scientific modes of thinking were constrained by the need for factual evidence, logic, and validation, the new faith-based initiatives are at a higher level. Today, “objective” is only a military goal. Unencumbered by history, subjectivity is bringing clarity. When 70% of Americans link Saddam Hussein with 911, it is clear that old modes of thinking have been transcended. The new subjective truth resonates like a crystal-clear channel across the airwaves of AM talk radio and Fox News. The intricacies of truth have been compacted into 10-second sound bites. A dinosaur of human development, the plodding hypothesis, has given way to the hyperthesis, the hypertheosis. Science went the way of the cumbersome billions of years of evolution, which have been jettisoned for a shorter clip of 5,000 years. Humans have reached such an advanced state of understanding, that the entire universe is now contained in a single (good) book, and even that is being distilled into shorter, less controversial, heady sound bites. In fact, so advanced are we today that language itself has gone the way of knowledge, and most of our spiritually inspiring sound bites can be conveyed by simple bleating. Ronald Reagan was a visionary, who knew an end to the bipolar world could make the American reality universal: the nuclear family, the pet dog, religion, the handgun, fast food, the pool in the back yard. Little did he know what he had ignited. We’re hurtling past unipolarism and as George W. keeps up the heat, we’ll soon have no more poles at all. Our cozy, warm, non-polar world will be one big pool, where no words, no thought, is needed: We will just float, blissfully, having attained heaven on earth. |
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