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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 2 Issue 2 | CUPIO ALAM CUNICULI CUM BRASSICA | May 2004 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? |
BUY THIS ISSUE Another Glass of Port, Please Between Iraq and a Hard Place Rice on Back Burner after 911 Testymony Bush Vows to Protect Nation from Tourism US & Chinese Leaders Summit Up Alaska State News: Bored of Game Wraps up Annual Meeting Analysis & Advice: Gibbon's Passion Seeks Truth About Jesus Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed |
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a rare press conference last night President George W. Bush promised to protect America from the “the scourge of tourism.” The president said that tourists, whom he repeatedly characterized as “evil doers,” are known to be lurking throughout America and across the globe. “Tourism knows no boundaries,” Bush stated. “The tourists can be found anywhere. They operate in cells known as tour groups, moving quickly from town to town, often staying in different hotels each night. They travel by bus and by train, by boat and by plane.” The president went on to say that “it is the sacred cause of this administration to fight a war on tour, to root out tourists wherever they may be lodging, and to stamp out tourism. We didn't ask the tourists to come to our country, but now that they have, we will stop them.” The president unveiled a new, aggressive foreign policy which involves preemptive strikes against known tourist camps. “As I speak,” Bush said, “our brave warriors are carrying out attacks on the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall of China, Machu Picchu, and Eurodisney.” The president smiled and added with a note of self-satisfaction “Paris has already been leveled.” When asked about the large number of tourists thought to be operating in Washington DC, the president said “I have instructed Attorney General John Ashcroft to address this threat just as soon as he is done in the bathroom.” Speaking directly to tourists considering coming to the nation's capitol, Bush said “bring 'em on.” Tourists are believed to have been present in America for some years now. Generally found in large groups, they can often be identified by their grey hair, potbellies, Hush Puppies, and stickers placed on their shirts which read “Hello, My Name Is:” They are known for attacking scenic wildernesses and interesting towns and neighborhoods, rendering them completely uninhabitable. Citizens who notice tourist groups in their neighborhoods are advised to contact the Department of Homeland Senility. Under no circumstances should individuals approach suspected tourists, as they are considered extremely dangerous. Alaska has not been immune to the effects of tourism. The most notable site of tourist carnage is Denali National Park which has been impenetrable to state residents for some two decades now because of a tourist attack. While most tourists are followers of large tourist cells with names like “Princess,” “Westours” and “Aramark,” some work independently. Such was the case with Rick Reed, the notorious “Birkenstock Bomber” who attempted to blow up a Green Tortoise bus south of Eugene, Oregon in December of 2001. His plot was foiled when an uncharacteristically alert hippie realized that Reed was attempting to ignite his sandal rather than a joint. Bush was asked in his press conference how he would deal with this sort of threat. “We will be searching luggage at airports and mass transportation centers,” the president replied. “Anyone found in possession of a Lonely Planet guide book will be taken into immediate custody.” At this point in the press conference, NPR White House correspondent Linda Wordfinder asked the president “Sir, what about terrorism. Don't you think this is a larger concern?” The president looked confused for a moment before replying “Haven't you been listening? I have been talking about tourism this entire time.” “Not tourism, replied Wordfinder. “Terrorism. With three syllables.” The president, famously on the record for saying “Never again... do I want to have to make explanations that I can’t explain,” sputtered, mumbled something unintelligible, looked behind himself and signaled. Bush's legal guardian, Dick Cheney, appeared from behind a curtain where he had been pulling strings, called an abrupt halt to the press conference, and whisked the president away. |
He is currently working on a new routine: a mix of Hans Christian Andersen’s tale, The Emperor‘s New Clothes; the story of Roman emperor Nero, who fiddled around while Rome burned; and elements from his own Texan heritage. White House sources say the routine is very humorous. Apparently the Secretary of State General Colin Powell is preparing a PowellPoint presentation to convince skeptics world-wide that the president is, indeed, a very funny man. |