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Breaking the News to See What's Inside! |
| Volume 2 Issue 2 | CUPIO ALAM CUNICULI CUM BRASSICA | May 2004 |
| CURRENT ISSUE | ARCHIVES | ADVERTISING | SUBSCRIPTIONS | WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE? |
BUY THIS ISSUE Another Glass of Port, Please Between Iraq and a Hard Place Rice on Back Burner after 911 Testymony Bush Vows to Protect Nation from Tourism US & Chinese Leaders Summit Up Alaska State News: Bored of Game Wraps up Annual Meeting Analysis & Advice: Gibbon's Passion Seeks Truth About Jesus Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed |
Gibbon's Film Seeks Truth About Christ Using White-House-approved inquisition techniques to investigate the crucifixion, resurrection, and hiding of Easter eggs, The Passion draws back the flesh to reveal the truth. The film's successful recipe (Filet de Lapin au Vin avec Beaucoup de Pain) includes cameos by administration officials. Making a kill-to-save-the-embryos stand around the Messiah's abandoned egg basket are, left to right: GW Bush, Antonin Scalia, John Arschcraft and Dick Cheney |
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| Dr. Kay S. Esteau Reviews: The entire world would surely agree that it is, indeed, the greatest story ever told, though the definitions of “story” would doubtlessly run the dictionary gamut, from “news article” to “romantic legend” to “a lie.” Everyone would also agree that the story of Jesus has had a transforming impact on the world, launching a wildly successful religion that deserves a place of honor in the Used-Car Salesman Hall of Fame: No matter whether you wish to love, kill, embrace, discriminate, feed the poor or nuke a nation, Christianity can be your religion and moral underpinning. It's like being able to sell a used FIAT Fiasco to both Mother Theresa (even in her present condition) and John Arschcroft. The story of Jesus Christ, like most religious accounts, depends on the suspension of disbelief. We must accept the incredible: from an immaculate conception, to a miraculous ability to cure ailments and give blind vision, to vanquishing life through resurrection. In fact, Christ's extraordinary final episode is so compelling that it is relived annually at Easter throughout the Western world, when a giant bunny rabbit (Jesus) hides Easter eggs (future life, the continuation of the human race) where little children (little children) can find them (find religion). It would seem that this mysteriously powerful moment in the life-death-life of Christ should be better understood, and today we are thankful to have a movie that lays the groundwork: The Passion by Mel Gibbon provides a searching portrayal of the last hours of Christ's life, those that paved the way for the resurrection and ensuing lagomorphic rituals. Known for his light touch and sensitive treatment of subject matter in Mad Max, four Lethal Weapon movies (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John), and the epic Braveheart that was acclaimed by the historians on the Academy Awards committee, the “artsy,” intellectual actor/director Gibbon was a clear candidate for the film on Christ. Sources close to him, though, say that his devotion played a major role in ultimately getting the call from above to direct The Passion. Despite his name, which is often cited as evidence by evolutionists, Mr. Gibbon is a dedicated traditionalist Christian, who rejects Vatican II as a “watered-down sequel.” He insists liturgies be delivered in Latin, putting him in the camp opposed to bilingual education, although the multi-lingual script to The Passion indicates the opposition may be to the education part rather than to the bilingualism. In fact, Gibbon's original script in Latin, Aramaic, and Hebrew did not include subtitles; it thus guaranteed viewers a pure experience, untarnished by comprehension. Though the subtitles were later included, Gibbon's commendable approach to spreading the “good word” was duly noted, and he received the call-in. Divine design also ensured that Gibbon's filming coincided with the White House's revival of the g(l)ory days of the Christian Church, when truth was sought through sound principles of scientific inquisition. The same way that the Bush administration applies compassionate torture to eke out the truth about terrorist specters from subjects who themselves are often surprised at what they actually know when gently cattle-prodded, Mel Gibbon tenderizes and flays his protagonist to uncover the truth about the Messiah and his long-eared shadow that returns to earth every Easter to play a game of spiritual hide-and-seek--the uncovered truth, in good Christian tradition, is self-evident. Gibbon's faithful adherence to the Scriptures was his recipe for success. The Passion, for example, avoids the common Last Supper metaphoric “flesh-as-bread and blood-as-wine” trap by serving up both in graphic literal form. As renowned Chef Maurice Lepus-Cuit notes: “Ze film shows, eendeed, ze corrêqute wai to prepair ze lapin. End ze slo-moshion effêqutes are a fántástique lerning tool for ze neu chef who névèr befor made a Filet de Lapin Miraculeus avec Vin et Beaucoup de Pain.” In fact, the devout see The Passion as an instructive documentary: Church groups around the country booked entire screenings of the film and organized “from the Abbey to the Abattoir” field trips for their enthusiastic worshippers (see sidebar). And the US military has set up tables outside movie theaters as the pious orgy of blood and suffering appears to be just the right blend to boost recruitment into the Bush wars. The Bush administration itself took an active role in The Passion. While Donald Rumsfeld used the film to field-test some methods for extracting confessions from recalcitrant enemy combatants, the president joined the fun with several cameos: “Reminds me of my days in college,” he said about the film’s mob scenes. Also making cameo appearances were Attorney Generalissimo John Arschcraft and Supreme Courtesanne Justice Antonin Scaly (along with good friend President-with-a-vice Dick Cheney). The men allegedly took their performances very seriously and were particularly persuasive when, the Messiah moaning behind them on the cross, they brandished their automatic weapons to defend his basket of eggs (after ascertaining that the eggs were hard-boiled, white eggs, and not chocolate ones). In a moment of exalted rapture, John Arschkraft whooped “It is our duty to protect the unborn!” before launching into a rendition of “Let the Egoes Soar” to drown out the pitiful moans of the wretched men being nailed to crosses behind him. |
Moviegoers Evaluate Gibbon’s Epic Film |
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