Full List of Articles in Vol. 2 Iss. 1
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Editorial:
Che's Unsound BitesTGC: The Gin & Chthonic
READ
National/World News:
Headline News
In Mein Kampf or the Enemy Kamp:
Your Favorite World Leaders: A Quick Reference
Jonathan Swift Revisited: A Patriotic Proposal Uncovered
Alaska State News:
Road Policy Reveals True Mystic Nature of Alaska's Royal Leader
READ
Advice:
Dr. Geyges Advises:
Dr. Geyges's Guide for the Perplexed
READ
Art:
Select Pieces by Hieronymus Bush:
* Freedom and Democracy in Iraq
* The Bosch Administration
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Homeland Security/Starbux Initiative Creates Chaos
SEATTLE/WASHINGTON, D.C. - It looked like another of the administration's perfect matches--making our Vaterland safer while boosting corporate profits with taxpayer money--but the recent Christmas holiday Code Orange proved catastrophic for the new Department of Homeland Security-Starbux alliance. Its “Free Coffee for Alert Citizens/Alert Travelers” initiative was the cause of 76 emergency aircraft landings, a dozen deaths, over 400 injuries, and property damage of over $1 billion, to say nothing of the lawsuit awards it will generate.
Concerned that Americans had begun taking terrorism warnings lightly, even jokingly, the Bush Administration launched the Alert Citizens/Alert Travelers initiative, which "puts average Americans--the true foot soldiers in our War against Terror--on a heightened state of alert by providing them with free coffee at Starbux." The initiative was funded by part of the $29.4 billion Department of Homeland Security budget, and had over $1 billion allocated from the next scheduled emergency ad-hoc multi-billion-dollar Iraq occupation appropriations fund, known as the Instrumental Fund for Iraq Liberation from Insurgents and External Arab Luddites, Osamites and Terrorists (IFILIEALOT).
A no-bid contract was offered to Starbux, which jumped at the opportunity. The company issued a statement supporting the program: “If we can help Americans be alert and thwart just one terrorist, our dedication will have been worth it,” and it denied that it had any pecuniary advantage from a fully government-funded free-for-all. Coincidentally, after this partnership was launched, Starbux stock skyrocketed, something cheered by the administration as a sign that the economy has completely recovered.
Unfortunately, the initiative did more damage than good. Airports, a particular target of the campaign, saw a run on coffee outlets by customers demanding their tenth triple-shot “iper-Madonna-che-grande!” lâttës, and in many cases, upon finding the stocks depleted, trashed the coffee shops in a way that made the worst exaggerations of WTO protests in Seattle seem like child's play.
The situation was even worse on aircraft. Even under normal conditions, passengers can feel claustrophobic, stifled, and in need to thrash around. With unlimited free airport coffee, hyper-alert coffee-saturated travelers ran amuck on planes, harassing other passengers, screaming at flight attendants who brought sub-par airline coffee, and brawling with each other for access to the restrooms. “A coffee-crazed passenger is like a superball," said flight attendant Lee V. Ngnau. "Unleash a couple dozen of those at high velocity in a tiny, enclosed space, and you have what we lived through during this last orange alert. It was hell.”
In fact the Alert Citizens/Alert Travelers initiative kept security services more than busy: Not only did they have to deal with violent, over-caffeinated passengers fighting and destroying property, but even non-destructive citizens, after a half dozen espresso drinks, felt they had to act, and began fingering their peers as terrorism suspects. “We calculate,” says security expert Jules R. Gawn, “that coffee-related distractions and diversions of our personnel caused a 70-80% decrease in security. One of our agents on a routine security test was able to walk through a metal detector with three hand grenades and a bazooka because the checkpoint personnel was being assaulted by four coffee-crazed senior citizens demanding immediate access through security to restroom facilities.”
While Alert Citizens/Alert Travelers wreaked havoc in the flight industry, it affected every other aspect of daily life: A broad spectrum of professionals were arrested vandalizing shopping malls nationwide, parents of pre-schoolers were horrified to find that coffee-guzzling childcare workers had turned light walks around the block into hard-core half marathons, and road rage incidents increased thousand-fold, leaving 8 dead, hundreds hospitalized, and insurers rushing to retroactively exclude caffeine-related accidents from coverage.
Media provided wall-to-wall coverage of the mayhem, as bio-weapon aficionados were paraded with “expert” name tags through all major networks, depicting the events as an attack on the Homeland by Al-Queida in partnership with remnants of Saddam's forces. Even after the Starbux-Homeland Security initiative was leaked to networks by citizens who read the public record, the media continued using their three-headed, fire-spitting Dogs of Hades graphics (depicting Saddam, Osama, and “some other evil guy”) for coverage of the national mayhem. It was only after the administration officially admitted its collaboration with Starbux may have had some effect on travelers, although it was a great success and made our country stronger, that the mass media calmed down and decided it was all not worth reporting.
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Freedom & Democracy in Iraq
Detail of the famous work by Hieronymus Bush, the less known of the family, who sank into obscurity when he took up a trade and actually began producing something. (Complete picture available in hard-copy edition.)
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