Full List of Articles in Vol. 2 Iss. 1
BUY THIS ISSUE
Editorial:
Che's Unsound BitesTGC: The Gin & Chthonic
READ
National/World News:
Headline News
In Mein Kampf or the Enemy Kamp:
Your Favorite World Leaders: A Quick Reference
Homeland Security-Starbux Initiative Creates Chaos
READ
Jonathan Swift Revisited: A Patriotic Proposal Uncovered
Alaska State News:
Road Policy Reveals True Mystic Nature of Alaska's Royal Leader
READ
Art:
Select Pieces by Hieronymus Bush:
* Freedom and Democracy in Iraq
* The Bosch Administration
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DR. GEYGES ADVISES:
Dr. Geyges, noted lecturer, teacher, and author of Right Rites and Practical Practices for the Theologically Challenged, brings solace to The Giant Cabbage readers through considered analysis and sound advice.
Dear Dr. Geyges,
We are a very decent Christian couple and have been married for ten years now. We attend church Wednesday nights and twice on Sunday. We send all four of our children to Sunday School and the baby to nursery. But yesterday something terrible happened at the morning service during the collection when the congregation was singing that wonderful old hymn "There is a Fountain Filled with Blood Drawn from Emmanuel's Veins." Suddenly my wife asked me, loud enough that the Pastor and the whole congregation could hear her "How could they get so much blood into a fountain?!" Everyone turned to stare at us! When I tried to place my hand over her mouth to stop her blasphemous questioning in church, as the blessed St. Paul says in his first letter to the Corinthians 11: 14-33-35, until I could get her home to answer her, she bit me and bent my wedding ring. She also broke one of her teeth. My question, Dear Dr. Geyges, is this: does this make her a wanton woman, and, if so, should I get a divorce? I don't really want to get a divorce, but would it be necessary for the sake of the children who need a good, Christian environment to grow up in!
Sincerely, Bent Band in Big Bend
Dear Bent Band,
Clearly your wife is in need of restraint and discipline. I assume that this is the first time that she has spoken out in church, and if so, then I would not suggest you get a divorce, but rather give her a chance to redeem herself. This will be a matter of judicious retraining, discipline, and reward. Firstly, in order to accomplish the retraining, I would suggest taping her mouth shut with 'flesh colored tape" such as sportsmen use. Since it is flesh tinted, it will enable her to put lipstick over the taped surface of her lips which will avoid the embarrassing stares that might accompany either masking tape or duct tape when she goes to church services. Continue this procedure until you feel she has learned to modify her impulse to talk in church. Secondly, to discipline her, I would suggest that she be made to pay for the broken tooth out of her own funds. If she works outside of the home, this could come out of her wages. If she does not work outside of the home, then she should be served only half portions at meal time until the value of the shortened rations matches the cost of the capping of the tooth. I would also hang the bent ring on a string in the kitchen where she will be forced to notice it when she is cooking or washing dishes. Finally, once you feel that she has control of herself and learned her lesson, then I would highly recommend that you reward her with a sixth child which will clearly demonstrate to her your boundless love and respect. This loving but firm approach will also send a clear and inspirational message to your children who will soon have a new sibling.
Sincerely, Dr. Geyges
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Dear Dr. Geyges,
My husband's 80-year-old grandfather has come from Wales to live with us and this is creating terrible problems. I am Jewish by birth; however, my husband is Jewish by conversion. I realized that I would be committing a sin by marrying him, but once he agreed to be circumcised and attend Yeshiva, we were married. But his grandfather, because he is uncircumcised, is making our house and dishes unclean. He is also a bad influence on the children because he lounges around the house most of the day in an old robe and his underwear. When he does go out, he buys pork chops and sausages from the Russian butcher down the street and insists that I cook them. I always refuse, and he cooks them himself and tries to share them with the children. My husband says that because we paid to bring him to the United States and because we feed him and give him shelter, we are obligated for his spiritual welfare as it says in the Scriptures. We have talked to him as a member of the family about circumcision, but he threatens to kill anyone who tries to do it. The Rabbi has also talked to him a number of times, but refuses to get involved beyond suggesting that we send him to a 'home for such people.‘ Sometimes he drinks a lot of vodka and then falls asleep watching TV. He snores very loudly and is hard to waken. My husband, who is a physician’s assistant says that we should circumcise him ourselves when he is napping. Dr. Geyges, we know that this wouldn't be official, but would it be alright?
Desperate in Poughkeepsie!
Dear Desperate,
Your letter illustrates one of the problems of mixed religious marriages, especially when foods, relatives and rituals clash. Your suggestion that you and your husband take his grandfather's circumcision upon yourselves is a challenging one. But I believe that if you adequately prepare for it, you may have a reasonable chance for achieving the effect you desire. Therefore, several days, or, better, weeks in advance of your actions I would suggest renting and showing as many as possible of the popular "miracle" and "angel" videos that are currently available in the stores and libraries. Try to discuss frequently at the dinner table the miracles found in the scriptures, especially the divine covenant with Abraham. This will prepare him for the actual event. Your husband might even discuss his own experience in greatest detail. Once your husband has performed the rite and before his grandfather wakes up, disarrange the room and spray a strong scent about with which the old gentlemen is not familiar. Then when he does awaken, tell him that a great miracle seems to have occurred in your very home and that he has found favor in the eyes of the divinity who has thus blessed him with this event. You might add that both of you were temporarily blinded by what must have been the presence of an angel. I realize this would be a slight but necessary prevarication for the moral restoration of your home. And should your husband's grandfather threaten your husband or other members of the family, you could then suggest that the angel may well come back and 'finish the job' so to speak. If everything is presented correctly, I would also predict that the elderly gentleman's interest in 'pork chops' will also cease. I wish you well.
Sincerely, Dr. Geyges
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