Full List of Articles in Vol. 2 Iss. 1
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National/World News:
Headline News
In Mein Kampf or the Enemy Kamp:
Your Favorite World Leaders: A Quick Reference
Homeland Security-Starbux Initiative Creates Chaos
READ
Jonathan Swift Revisited: A Patriotic Proposal Uncovered
Alaska State News:
Road Policy Reveals True Mystic Nature of Alaska's Royal Leader
READ
Advice:
Dr. Geyges Advises:
Dr. Geyges's Guide for the Perplexed
READ
Art:
Select Pieces by Hieronymus Bush:
* Freedom and Democracy in Iraq
* The Bosch Administration
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Editorial
UNSOUND BITES
TGC: The Gin & Chthonic
Where does The Giant Cabbage come from?
“I think it comes from Hell!!”
(Overheard at one of our outlets)
Over the past year, The Giant Cabbage (TGC) and its writers have been described as “deranged,” “negative,” “freaky,” and “disturbed.” While we very much appreciate the accolades, we really can not take the credit. After all, ours is a journalistic publication, and we merely report the news as we see it. Sad to say, we do not create the news, for we lack the means of the major networks that brought us the triumphant toppling of Saddam's statue, cheered by millions in its Baghdad square; Howard Dean's emasculated-Tarzan Iowa yell before a sedate, tea-parlour audience that was scared right out of his campaign; or the dastardly bearing of Janet Jackson's breast that sabotaged the wholesome spectacle of Superbowl Neanderthal jousting. At TGC, we do not have the power to cast a magical Lewinsky dress over the corporate rape of our nation, the end-product of our arms sales, the reversal of the Gulfstream current, the administration's latest patriotic plan... The list goes on and on.
We also, unfortunately, do not have the kind of advertisement money to train and embed top-notch, flak-jacket-donning, blow-dried reporters in the military to bring us breaking news from the heat of the action: be it traditional recipes from hinterland Kuwaiti villages, the morality crisis that sharing bathroom facilities presents an integrated military when deployed for combat, or how average Iraqi children, identified as such by Washington Iraq dissidents, want to grow up to be Shaquille O'Neal. We don't have the millions of dollars it takes to join the ranks of top investigative publications that so professionally broadcast White House press releases, or pay for the years of training necessary for reporters to learn to flail their hands like over-hydrated second-graders begging to be excused while fawning: “Mr. President! Mr. President!” so that they may put those uncomfortable, tough questions to him on behalf of all Americans: “Can you tell us again about the mushroom clouds and, my gosh, what can we do to protect ourselves?”
I do not wish to denigrate our own investigative efforts. TGC broke several stories of no little consequence this past year. We have it from reliable sources, for instance, that our lead presidential story in March [Vol 1 Issue 3: “War Stopped! Barbara Bush Spanks Son—Unshers in New Era of Peace”] was picked up by the Democratic National Committee, which plans to unsettle George W. in the upcoming presidential debates by having his opponent wear a Barbara Bush mask. In this issue, we break the Patriotic Proposal story, leaked to us by our country’s valiant secret service organization that has grown tired of being used as White House toilet paper.
I am proud to say that TGC has a place on the media consumer shelf, albeit akin to those small-brand toothpastes with labels that read: “Natural product. May help clean your teeth, but it really comes down to you brushing regularly.”Clearly, we can’t compete with the big brands that scream: “Extra 30% absolutely free! Get the reality of Hollywood dazzling smile. Cholesterol free! Fat free! Carb free! Eleven out of ten dentists say this will improve your sex life! Full warranty (read fine print).”
Of course, in countries where the Neem tree grows, people chew on the its branches, which gives them healthy, robust teeth. But our megastore consumer shelves, much like the Catholic Church of Galilean days, may be incapable (or unwilling) to conceive of a universe that can’t be defined by bar codes and daily specials. Which brings us right back to where TGC comes from. In their parochial little way, humans have set up complex universal systems and explanations that stretch well beyond their own comprehension. I suspect that if “Hell” ended up in a patent name dispute, the way Fox’s “fair and balanced” did, the reality of millions of children dying painful AIDS deaths, the weapons pumping like blood through humanity’s veins, and the psychophant media’s blood-thirst, scandal-reverence, and stultifying programming, would run Christian depictions of Hell right out of court.
Hell, however, can only be as much as those who run things make it. Most of its inhabitants appear to be impotent, but, if they should somehow get the notion that they could rearrange the structure, the possibilities for improvement are infinite.
Cheers,
Che
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Hieronymus Bush:
Freedom and Democracy in Iraq [Detail]
This detail focuses on the foreground of the masterpiece. Bosch administration officials (right-to-left: George “W” Bush, “Dick” Cheney, Colin “Boy” Powell, and Donald Rumsfeld, portrayed with an owl on his head as symbol of his departed wits) discuss war plans as they quaff fine micro-brews from The Goldstream Store*.
Bent forward, as if awaiting corporal punishment is a woman, who represents average American folk, trying to retain a sense of sanity and truth by reading the Ester Republic*. Next to her, Saint Ernest averts his eyes as he perceives, looming beyond the Republic, the Fox News logo (rendered in its superior definition and clarity by the desktop publishing expertise of Alaska's Stellar Communications*). A kind nun hands St. Ernest an Alaskawoods* basket with a selection of The Goldstream Store* wines. It is unclear what Hieronymus Bush intends with the gesture. Should the narcotic effects of wine serve to reconcile the Saint with the Horror? Is offering heady liqueur from the same store that supplies the decision-makers a ploy to enlist Saint Ernest in their camp? Or is this phonetic “none” handing the saint a carefully hand-crafted Alaskawoods* basket to serve as a sickie bag, and thus providing a powerful metaphor for the effects of the current political climate on man, one of this world’s most intriguing artesanal works (now, sadly, mass-produced)?
* Coincidentally, these businesses happen to be The Giant Cabbage advertisers
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