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Volume 1 Issue 7

BRAVE NEW WORLD ORDER: LIVING AMONG THE OMEGAS

November 2003

Civic Group Advocates Balancing Budget Through Corruption and Illegal Activities

ANCHORAGE - Despite His Royal Highness Frank “Our Exalted Savior” Murkowski's firm hand at Alaska's helm, a slate of state politicians unable to kick their allergy to informed electors or the word “taxes,” and the new Hail Mary of gambling to save state finances, Alaska's budget crisis continues unabated. November 2nd, however, saw hope in the inaugural meeting of the citizen group Salvaging Alaska's Nose-diving Economy (SANE).

While legislators debated taking advantage of the general public's ignorance of the laws of probability to refill state coffers with a lottery (as one senate staffer put it: “if they voted Murkowski, they should definitely buy a lottery ticket--the odds of winning something are way better”), Wilda P. Polriesup, President of SANE, was blowing the hypocrisy of lawmakers and our moral double standards wide open to unveil the key to fiscal balance. “Our governor was completely correct about mining our resources,” she said to a packed auditorium. “Unfortunately our Prophet of Petroleum, too, was talking about gambling--something as indelibly connected to the origins of our country as a belief in God (each actually being a symptom of the other). Vegas bookies rate opening ANWR and even a lucrative gas pipeline as long shots. But if our Majesty had actually understood what he was saying, he would have taken a more comprehensive view of resources, and found a way out of our bind.”

When Wanda P. Polriesup talks about resources, she uses the broadest possible definition. SANE, a group that labels itself “partisan only to logic and clear thinking” (thus, by definition, a non-political group) advocates selling classified Missile Defense Shield technology overseas, state involvement in the drug trade, funding the legislature through bribes, and hiring out Alaska-based armed forces personnel to private militias around the world.

“Our leaders make it emphatically clear that laws, rules, and moral codes are suggestions at best, subjectively defined, and invoked when suitable to do so,” stated Ms. Polriesup. “You and I face stiff sentences if we drink and drive, but public officials pretend illegally endangering lives is no big deal. [See October 2003 issue, “DUI Strengthens Assemblyman's Hand”] When we take an airplane, we have to beware ‘inappropriate remarks,’ looking Middle Eastern, or having a remotely Arab-sounding name--it's straight to the pen or to an overseas ally adept at extracting confessions. But when negligent maintenance causes a plane to crash, actually killing people, it's a shrug, a brief apology, and an investigation into oblivion.”

As Wanda P. Polriesup's list of double standards used by the rich and powerful grew, the crowd in the auditorium became more and more irate. When she cited Frank Murkowski paying a friendly visit to Saddam Hussein in 1990, the room erupted with shouts of “Abdicate! Abdicate!” But Ms. Polriesup has something else in mind: “I say--let them. Let politicians break laws with impunity. Let our king deal with brutal dictators. Let our anti-drug-crusading country put the biggest opium dealers worldwide back in control of Afghanistan. But then let all of us do the same.”

With its strategic location along east-west flight routes, a comprehensive law enforcement network, and its key role in the transportation infrastructure, the state of Alaska is in a position to skim even higher percentages from the drug trade than do Northern Alliance warlords, claims SANE, which, consequently, opposes marijuana-legalization initiatives. It does so not on principle--the complete disregard of laws by the wealthy and powerful obviate any civic or moral opposition--but because success of such initiatives would deal a blow to an extremely lucrative source of revenue. One needs look no further than the financial success of narcotic mobs to see that dealing in illegal substances is a source of exorbitant profits.

SANE also proposes requiring that the judicial branch self-finance by setting up a Bids Requirement for Implementing Bills Equitably (BRIBE) system that involves both over- and under-the-counter payments by those seeking redress through the legal system. Such a system works eminently well in many of the US's closest Third-World allies, and the ability of the judiciary to fund itself and even profit is shown by cursory look at the real-costs spreadsheets of multinational corporations doing business with said allies. As Wanda P. Polriesup put it: “The current judiciary is funded through socialist structures--popular taxes paying state-set salaries. If we are to believe in the justice of free-market democracies, then the justice system should be funded in accordance with the very principles it represents and, like public office, should be purchased by the highest bidder.”

Perhaps the most controversial SANE proposals deal with the military. “Do we keep paying all our kids' bills after they leave college?” asked Ms. Polriesup rhetorically. “At very latest after college, we sever the ties, and send them to earn their own money, to put the training and education we paid for to good use. We expect our own children to become independent, but when it comes to the military, we never seem to cut the cord! We pay to arm and train the best fighting forces on this planet, and then we continue funding them forever! And if there is one group in this world who could procure its own funding, shelter, food, and weaponry, it's the US armed forces. Who's going to stop them?” SANE advocates treating the military no differently than we do our own children--demand that, after adequate education and training, they become self-sustaining. This proposal actually would not alter the military much. US armed forces could continue their bloody history of interventions, which averaged more than one a year in the last century, but add a little more concern for securing the invaded country’s wealth for their own use (and not just that of multinational corporations that constitute the second, “protected,” wave of intervention). Alternatively, individuals or groups from the military could be hired out to the handsomely paying private militias that are proliferating worldwide to maintain security in the face of the proliferation of private militias.

Wanda P. Polriesup’s organization advocates “fiscal sanity” at all levels of the military, from the aforementioned foot soldiers all the way to the biggest defense structures. It is harder, however, to offset the costs of systems that are projected to reach several trillion dollars, like National Missile Defense (NMD). SANE proposes at very least to make up some of the cost by selling classified NMD information to foreign powers. “It violates the market spirit of our country to invest hundreds after hundreds of billions of dollars without any return,” says Ms. Polriesup. She quickly counters the national security argument, used to keep NMD operations in a communist-style command economy paradigm: “Any honest scientist will tell you that the chances of the system working are less than winning the Alaska state lottery (and somewhat equal to HRH Murkowski's resource extraction proposals saving our state). It would not make any difference whatsoever to the security of our country if others could build non-functional systems, too.”

Trying Days at the Fairbanks Assembly of Toddlers

FAIRBANKS - The Fairbanks North Star Borough Assembly of Toddlers, the city’s leading daycare, has been going through a difficult time recently. First, little Ricky Silly created a ruckus by running around outside the daycare building in his diaper after getting all juiced up during nap time. It was not the first case of such behavior on his part, but little Ricky seems to have a hard time learning what is right. Staff was quite concerned when he tried to pretend that nothing had happened. It took a lot of coaxing, and some none-too-veiled threats, to get him to acknowledge and apologize for his behavior. A staff member added in confidence: “We don't really see much hope for him.”

More recently, little Bunny Wailing, Gorey Hatchetson and four other toddlers got together in a playgroup without inviting others. “It’s not just that they should be inclusive,” said Assembly staff member Emily Tol Tyredofdis. “It’s that they broke a rule they helped write themselves, as part of the ‘Empower the Little'Uns’ initiative.” Both Bunny and Gorey had, in fact, insisted that children should always invite others into their playgroups. “I foggot,” said little Gorey after being confronted with the rules. Little Bunny, instead, showed why staff considers her a handful: She quickly mumbled something akin to an apology but then started shrieking at the top of her lungs, pointing at little Sinful Henny, who was playing with a phone chord. “Daisy chains! She do daisy chains!”

“There was discussion some time ago about whether so-called 'phone daisy chains' were appropriate for children in the daycare,” explains Ms. Tyredofdis. “But you see Bunny’s strategy? She was just hurling blame on others so we forget that she broke the rules.” And it apparently didn’t stop there. After being scolded, Little Bunny Wailing sobbed: “K-K-K...Kids all mean to me! They want lynch, beat, kill me.”

While staff understands that children merely reflect their home life, a round of solid time-outs was in order, particularly since the exclusive playgroup had included two children who were new to the daycare and who everyone fears will learn from the others. But staff also fears for what’s next: “I hate to think the worst,” said Ms. Tyredofdis, “but we have to be prepared for dirty diapers stashed behind radiators, milk poured in extra-clothes bags, paints spattered all over our walls, and even violence on the playground.”