NATIONAL/
WORLD NEWS:
Full List of Articles in Vol. 1 Issue 7
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Editorial:
Unsound Bites
Living Among the Omegas
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Letters to the Editor
National/World News:
Aftermath of the Gubernatorial Recall Election: Millions Flock to the New Reich of Kaliförnia
Local Mechanic Wins Coveted Presidential BASHTHEM Award
$20 Bill Color Change Resolves Philosophical Quandary
Alaska State News:
Civic Group Advocates Balancing Alaska's Budget by Investing in Underworld Activities
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Trying Days at the Troubled FNSB Assembly of Toddlers
Language/
Advice:
Disney's Paradox and the Scatology of Consumerism
Dr. Geyges Advises:
Dr. G's Guide for the Perplexed
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Mass Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch Favored to Succeed John Paul II
VATICAN CITY - The Silver Jubilee of Pope John Paul II was somewhat less than celebratory amid questions of how long the frail Pontiff might live. Known worldwide as the Energizer Pope, John Paul II is clearly losing his charge, and the halls of the Vatican are replete with speculation as to who will succeed the man who finally ushered the Catholic Church into the 20th Century. At the head of the pack of contenders is Austalio-American media mogul Rupert Murdoch, whose mass media empire and conservative political views make him a favorite. “John Paul II single-handedly resurrected the Catholic Church,” says expert in comparative religious and part-time analyst for Fox news, Neil N. Prey. “Someone like Rupert Murdoch can restore it to its heyday of empire, Crusades, and the Inquisition.”
In fact, only 25 years ago, the Catholic Church seemed to be losing touch, hold, and power. Then the youngest Pope in a century, and a foreigner to boot, stormed into the Pontiff seat and pulled the Church out of its nosedive with his PR-savvy, populist approach to power politics. Polish cardinal Karol Wojtyla stepped into the vacuum left by the mysterious death of his predecessor, who allegedly succumbed to progressive ideas after a mere 33 days in the Holy See.
Out of the white smoke that billowed like dry ice from the Cardinal's conclave stepped John Paul II, named not perchance after the most popular song-writing duo of the 20th Century. He was the new-style leader, who reversed the perception of Popes as mummified ornaments that occasionally stepped forth to mutter incomprehensible Latin phrases. Fluent in a half dozen languages, John Paul II filled stadiums as he globe-trotted through over 100 countries. A man who was as at ease with a soccer ball or on skis as he was with the Bible, this Pope was the consummate populist: he recorded CD's, held audience for Bob Dylan, and named more saints than any of his predecessors. Suddenly, Catholicism was back in the news as a hip and fashionable thing.
What allowed John Paul II to last more than 33 days, though, was the strategy behind the merchandising of his image, the inter-religious hugs, and the Popemobile. The man who in his youth wanted to be an actor had perhaps indeed fulfilled his fantasy, for behind the down-to-earth, charming, compassionate front was an iron-fisted conservative absolutist who damned divorcees, kept women in the second class compartment, was a die-hard crusader against condoms, and opposed homosexuality in every form, except when exercised by Catholic priests, in which case he swiftly performed the politicians’ favorite “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” maneuver.
Rupert Murdoch can not match John Paul's stage show, but the new millennium of melting ice-caps, pre-emptive war, and brazen corporate plunder is no longer one of personality cult, but one of ruthlessly effective manipulation of information. From this perspective, Murdoch's curriculum vitae is unmatched, both quantitatively and qualitatively. The man reaches billions each day with his network of TV, newspapers, and entertainment. What he can do with his reach, though, is of key concern to the institution that successfully erased all apocryphal Biblical evidence, that terminally silenced its critics, that persuaded billions through the generations to accept utter misery for a reward after death, and that succeeded in teaching everything from the world being flat to the fact that condoms actually help spread AIDS. The Cardinals are surely nodding with approval at the recent polls showing that 80% of Fox viewers believe outright lies [see Editorial]. The dogmatic devotion of Murdoch's flock to the likes of Bill O'Really, to violence and war, to the empire's word over facts and reason, gives the Catholic Church hope. Now that the currently expiring Pope has done the PR groundwork, Rupert Murdoch, likely under the name Pope Beelzebub I, can turn the popularity into action and return the Church to what it was centuries ago, when it was empire in its truest form--ruling over the bodies, minds, and souls of people all around the world.
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Papal handlers help John Paul II, while Rupert Murdoch's legal team waits in the wings .
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