ALASKA NEWS:
Full List of Articles in Vol. 1 Issue 6
Buy This Issue
Editorial:
Unsound Bites
Cabbage in Exile:
Staff Pre-empts Backlash by Running Away
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National/World News:
No Citizen Left Behind Act Awards White House a Solid "F"
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Executive Immunity Does not Extend to Drunken Frat Boys
FOX Newscaster Damned for Providing Perspective
Alaska State News:
DUI Strengthens Ass-
emblyman's Position
Conflicts of Interest:
The People's View
Language/
Advertising:
Bumper Sticker Beat:
Guns Don't Kill People, People Kill People
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UN "Treasonlators" Attacked for Undermining US in Simultaneous Translations
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DUI Strengthens Ass-
emblyman’s Position
FAIRBANKS - In a move that is likely to boost his future political career, Fairbanks North Star Borough Assemblyman Rick Silly was arrested for DUI early in the morning around the University of Alaska campus. “I have a sixth sense for this sort of thing,” stated arresting officer Percy Pient, who felt something might possibly be amiss when Mr. Soily came weaving along on the wrong side of the road. The assemblyman's lawyer, Mr. Connor Cofilips, asserted that the extensive road construction around the university confused his client so much that he chose himself to be his own designated driver, thought he was driving in England, and then thought an emissary of the Devil was asking him to blow balloons for Satan's birthday, which he flatly refused. Despite this refusal to submit to a breath test, Mr. Sulky was subjected, unawares, to a little-known sobriety test reserved for politicians.
Officer Pient asked Mr. Skulky why he is dead set on eliminating “personal interest” from the definition of Conflict of Interest in the current borough ordinance. The assembly-man launched into a tirade about how tied down he was as an oil company man working on the assembly. “Financial connections can be run through hoops until you’re so dizzy you lose them, but everyone knows who you know. And the ol' boys in the business and in government need to be free to work things out. Had our Vice President been tied down by such an ordinance, he’d never have sat down with Ken [Lay] and developed a genius energy policy.” At this point, Mr. Scuzzy stopped short, furrowed his brow, cleared his throat and carefully began explaining that the current conflict of interest ordinance keeps the assembly from doing its job efficiently and effectively for the community. “What I want is the best for the people of Fairbanks!” he pronounced. “That,” says Officer Percy Pient, “is when I knew he was drunker than a skunk.”
Other assembly members promptly condemned Mr. Sousy for “having the sort of fun our consciences don't allow us” and called for a special assembly meeting to discuss what should be done about it. The meeting began in somber, ominous tones, but suddenly, Mr. Saucy's fortunes turned. Like a miracle, the end of happy hour in local bars brought a flood of his supporters into the assembly chambers. When Mr. Staunchy stood and said: “Yes, I was driving under the influence--it was the influence of God!” the chambers erupted with shrieks of delight and shouts of “Amen!” and “Chug, brother, chug!” as well as a few spontaneous emetic displays.
Mr. Stubby's relationship with the Allmighty was made clear almost a decade ago when he spoke on God's behalf against a controversial gay and lesbian display at the Fairbanks Library. He is currently targeting the library again on a crusade to filter “questionable” Internet sites. Questioned by irreverent reporters, Mr. Stoli refused to compare the dangers to our children of Internet sites to those presented by drunk drivers, but his lawyer, Mr. Connor Cofilips replied: “Didn't Jesus ask his disciples to drink wine, for it was the Lord's blood? Mr. Stompy was just following His word and is now full of it. The filter issue is the same--it is clearly stated in the Scriptures that the Internet is a tool of demonic temptation.”
In addition to the arrest, there were unfounded allegations that Mr. Stumpy ran over two elderly people on his drunken jaunt. While these allegations clearly have no basis in reality, or perhaps because they don't, Mr. Stumped received a congratulatory message from His Royal Highness Governor Murkowski, who praised the assemblyman for developing creative methods of eliminating so-called “budget drains.”
Having brought his supporters out of churches and bars, having caught the eye and approval of Alaska's Royal House, and having done his share to alleviate budget woes by feeding the alcohol tax coffers, Mr. Strumpet seems poised for a step up in public life. “This is the kind of man,” said Connor Cofilips, “that Alaska needs.”
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The special Borough assembly meeting saw democracy in action--Fairbanks citizens stumbled into the chambers chanting “Shloly for Fairbanksh” proving that the beer hall school of politics has lost none of its power since launching the career of its most famous graduate in 1923.
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