Breaking the News to See What's Inside!

Volume 1 Issue 6

DISTANCE MAKES THINGS SMALLER, NOT PRETTIER

October 2003

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NATIONAL/ WORLD NEWS: Full List of Articles in Vol. 1 Issue 6 Buy This Issue Editorial: Unsound Bites Cabbage in Exile: Staff Pre-empts Backlash by Running Away Read National/World News: No Citizen Left Behind Act Awards White House a Solid "F" Executive Immunity Does not Extend to Drunken Frat Boys FOX Newscaster Damned for Providing Perspective Alaska State News: DUI Strengthens Ass- emblyman's Position Conflicts of Interest: The People's View Language/ Advertising: Bumper Sticker Beat: Guns Don't Kill People, People Kill People UN "Treasonlators" Attacked for Undermining US in Simultaneous Translations

NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS: No Citizen Left Behind Act Awards White House a Solid “F” Administration Left Penniless While Freedom of Choice Leads to Historic Exodus from the U.S. WASHINTON, D.C. - The first year results of the No Citizen Left Behind Act could not have been more dramatic: The Bush administration found itself de-funded of federal monies while millions of Americans exercised their choice to opt out of US government control and subject themselves to more competent rule abroad. No Citizen Left Behind (NCLB), closely modeled on the Department of Education's No Child Left Behind Act, seeks to hold governments accountable for doing their job by setting standards, to test policymakers and rate administrations, to give citizens information about failing governments, and to provide the choice to opt out of failing administrations through a voucher program. The White House's first year of NCLB was a debacle as members of George W. Bush's administration failed test after test (see sidebar) while the administration as a whole failed to meet even the lowest standards. READ MORE

ALASKAN ROYAL NEWS: DUI Strengthens Ass- emblyman’s Position FAIRBANKS - In a move that is likely to boost his future political career, Fairbanks North Star Borough Assemblyman Rick Silly was arrested for DUI early in the morning around the University of Alaska campus. “I have a sixth sense for this sort of thing,” stated arresting officer Percy Pient, who felt something might possibly be amiss when Mr. Soily came weaving along on the wrong side of the road. The assemblyman's lawyer, Mr. Connor Cofilips, asserted that the extensive road construction around the university confused his client so much that he chose himself to be his own designated driver, thought he was driving in England, and then thought an emissary of the Devil was asking him to blow balloons for Satan's birthday, which he flatly refused. ... READ MORE

LANGUAGE/ ADVERTISING: Bumper Sticker Beat Guns don’t kill people, People kill people It doesn't get more existential than this bumper sticker, which denies anthropomorphism, even when applied to a tool that was created on Day One by a God who did not have the Patriot Act to protect Himself from anyone who was not there try to take His creation away. This bummer sticker is the mantra of many a rocket-propelled-grenade-launcher-toting, automatic-weapon-wielding, TNT-planting, Charlton-Heston-worshipping rabbit hunter who feels that the First Amendment did nothing for Americans until the Second Amendment gave it some teeth. And it is incontrovertible. Days 1-5 of Creation saw no human fatalities at all. The record was only tarnished, actually trashed, after Adam and Eve made their controversial entrance, stage left. ... READ MORE