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Volume 1 Issue 6

DISTANCE MAKES THINGS SMALLER, NOT PRETTIER

October 2003

No Citizen Left Behind Act Awards White House a Solid “F”

Administration Left Penniless While Freedom of Choice Leads to Historic Exodus from the U.S.

WASHINTON, D.C. - The first year results of the No Citizen Left Behind Act could not have been more dramatic: The Bush administration found itself de-funded of federal monies while millions of Americans exercised their choice to opt out of US government control and subject themselves to more competent rule abroad.

No Citizen Left Behind (NCLB), closely modeled on the Department of Education's No Child Left Behind Act, seeks to hold governments accountable for doing their job by setting standards, to test policymakers and rate administrations, to give citizens information about failing governments, and to provide the choice to opt out of failing administrations through a voucher program.

The White House's first year of NCLB was a debacle as members of George W. Bush's administration failed test after test (see article on page 5) while the administration as a whole failed to meet even the lowest standards.

Consequently, and in keeping with the its own “policies of punishment,” the White House has been deprived of all its federal funding until it can show better results. Experts agree, though, that negligence and mismanagement are too entrenched in this administration, and that there will likely be no turnaround until it is replaced, although the law gives the Bush team another year to show improvement.

In the meantime, however, the effects of NCLB are sweeping the nation. The provision that requires citizens be provided with comprehensive and correct information about a failing administration is creating a “Shock and Awe” wave of disillusionment. People whose only information in the past was government advertising through Fox News and other corporate so-called news media, suddenly saw the workings of a government that fails in providing its citizens with the basics for survival, let alone success: “the economic recovery” turned out to be the biggest deficit in history and some 3 million jobs lost; “compassion for the less fortunate” actually described supporting health care providers while costs spiral out of reach for many, scrapping worker protections, and giving as much money as possible to the filthy rich; “sound environmental practices” turned out to be dirtying water, soil, and air; and “protecting the American people” translated to jeopardizing security by, as one official put it, “seriously pissing the whole world off at us,” and sending US soldiers to die for no good reason and with no good plan.

This information spurred tens of millions of Americans, after carefully assessing their options, to use their vouchers to choose a different government until the US adminis-tration meets the basic standards of a democratic government that repre-sents, and works for, its citizens. Predictably, most switched to Canada and Europe, but a substantial number chose small, developing countries like Swaziland and Guyana. The vouchers will bring money to these smaller countries, which, due to their size and flexibility, are seen as having a better chance of providing for the people in their jurisdiction.

The voucher program also made provisions for those who depend on a large dose of religion to get through the day. Members of America's extreme right chose from countries where religion plays a key role in government, including Saudi Arabia, Iran, and Afghanistan (the last being currently in utter chaos, but where the resurgent Taliban will be able to use the voucher funds to re-establish a model religious state).

Another large section of American society chose not to accept the NCLB results at all. Fiercely independent, these Americans stockpiled Pepsi, Budweiser, Doritos, and Ho-Hos and bought generators to keep running their TV's and radios until Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Rielly go off the air. When this happens, it is likely that they will use their vouchers to move to North Korea, the only country on earth capable of providing comparable incisive and definitive political commentary on the airwaves.

Millions of citizens, their government-choice vouchers in hand, jammed every possible access road to their northern, caring, more unassuming neighbor.

How the Administration Fared on Benchmark Exams

Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense started off failing the “definitions” section by describing “Defense” as “controlling every country on earth, the skies, the space and beyond.” In the Intra-Organizational Communication section, he scored very poorly, answering most questions about relations with top military officials with “screw them.” Rumsfeld was most damaged in the Iraq section, where he scored a resounding “0,” asserting things like “Saddam organized 911” or “Iraq can be conquered in a couple of weeks by a dozen of our highly trained, mobile special forces,” and he ended this test section with a string of wildly incorrect answers about Iraq's weapons capabilities. One of the few exceptions on his test was when asked “How should you treat mainstream media?” he correctly answered “With contempt.”

Secretary of State Colin Powell was the only cabinet member who came close to passing, but in each test section, he made too many elemental mistakes, such as: in English usage, identifying “which is linked to Al-Quaida” as a suffix of the word “Iraq”; in reading comprehension transcribing “urinal shipments” as “uranium shipments”; in geography placing the US in the line of fire of Iraq's 200-mile range Scuds; and in physics, by describing aluminum tubes as the first stage of a thermonuclear weapon.

Vice-President Dick Cheney scored a “0” by answering each question with an invocation of executive privilege to keep the response secret “in order to preserve my ability to obtain 'unvarnished' information in the future.”

National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice did not fare much better. She failed some of her initial, elementary, questions, such as the almost rhetorical “Should one investigate the most catastrophic security failure in US history?”--to which she answered “no”--and went on to incorrectly answer all questions about what to do with warnings and intelligence information about potential threats. Like Rumsfeld, she failed the entire Iraq section, but Rice did distinguish herself by frightening her graders with apocalyptic visions of mushroom clouds.

Karl Rove stunned graders with a perfect 100%, until it was discovered that he had re-written every question to suit his answers. His score was reversed to a “0.”

Attorney General John Ashcroft was noted for writing at the beginning of his exam that grading tests was a highly suspicious, probably terrorist, activity and threatened to “disappear” the graders. He went on to fail all sections regarding the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Most stunning were is mis-definition of “separation of church and state” (“the state needs to get out of the way of the church running the country”) and some of his answers in the matching pairs section. Asked to find the closest match for “A Farmer is to a Combine as:” he disregarded the options provided and wrote: “God is to the Inquisitor.” For “Dancing is to Fun,” he wrote: “as Pedophilia is to Education.” And for “Statue of Justice is to Concept of Justice” he scrawled in all caps: “The whore! The slut! Showing her breasts! She should be stoned to death for it! They all should be stoned to death!!”

President George W. Bush 's results showed a leader among his class, a man with encyclopedic knowledge. It appears, though, that his encyclopedia was compiled by a group of business and religious leaders like Ken Lay and Jerry Falwell. This led to incorrect answer after incorrect answer, from the economy (“tax cuts offset deficit spending” “free trade is typified by massive subsidies to agricultural and steel mega-corporations”) to the environment (“global warming can be eliminated by turning air conditioners up high” and “cutting trees saves forests”) to health (“a society works best when pharmaceutical and insurance company profits increase by 50% per annum”) to security (“dropping bombs on Afghanis and Iraqis brings the message of freedom and makes the world safer”).

The president,however, was lauded by graders for attempting every question until halfway through the test, when, likely aware of something amiss, he began answering every question with his father's address and bank account information.