LANGUAGE/
ADVERTISING:
Full List of Articles in Vol. 1 Issue 6
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Editorial:
Unsound Bites
Cabbage in Exile:
Staff Pre-empts Backlash by Running Away
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National/World News:
No Citizen Left Behind Act Awards White House a Solid "F"
Executive Immunity Does not Extend to Drunken Frat Boys
FOX Newscaster Damned for Providing Perspective
Alaska State News:
DUI Strengthens Ass-
emblyman's Position
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Conflicts of Interest:
The People's View
Language/
Advertising:
Bumper Sticker Beat:
Guns Don't Kill People, People Kill People
UN "Treasonlators" Attacked for Undermining US in Simultaneous Translations
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Bumper Sticker BeatGuns don’t kill people, People kill people
It doesn't get more existential than this bumper sticker, which denies anthropomorphism, even when applied to a tool that was created on Day One by a God who did not have the Patriot Act to protect Himself from anyone who was not there try to take His creation away. This bummer sticker is the mantra of many a rocket-propelled-grenade-launcher-toting, automatic-weapon-wielding, TNT-planting, Charlton-Heston-worshipping rabbit hunter who feels that the First Amendment did nothing for Americans until the Second Amendment gave it some teeth. And it is incontrovertible. Days 1-5 of Creation saw no human fatalities at all. The record was only tarnished, actually trashed, after Adam and Eve made their controversial entrance, stage left.
Even anarcho-psycho-atheo-nihilists who have not seen the light of the fuse can't present a reasoned argument against guns. Guns are not the ones who get drunk and say: “Hey, Chuck, check out my bolt action, magazine-fed .300 Win.Mag. It’s got a Nikon 5 X 42 night vision/ rangefinder scope and high velocity, depleted uranium tipped bullets. It shoots through federal buildings!” BLAM “Oops… Hey Chuck! You OK? Hey Chuck man? Chuck? I suppose I'll finish your beer...” It‘s not guns, but people, who do the killing, something they will continue doing until they have wiped themselves from the face of the earth
In the meantime, Dumb Quixotic efforts to delay the inevitable have construed guns to be windmills, or death mills, and tried to restrict them. But the Nifty Reasoning Association (NRA) is completely correct--it's people, not guns, who are the problem. And data bears out that the biggest problem are people who have guns (those wielding apples in an attempt to recreate the devastation of the Eve of humanity, for example, are a statistically insignificant threat). The NRA logic is impeccable: Leave guns alone, and go after people. Particularly, go after the people who wield guns. The best way to actually reduce the violence in our society is to preemptively jail all people who own guns (ideally not with their guns). Guns could thus return to the peaceful existence God had mis-designed them for. Of course, a down side of such action would be a paucity of vehicles gracing our highways with insightful and thought-provoking, pithy lines like “Guns don't kill people, people kill people,” or the curiously inviting “from my cold, dead hands” that requires an explicating article all of its own.
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A Bit of Advertising
Produced Courtsey to Stellar Communications, Inc.
Still Life with Great Wine, Aesthetic Baskets, and My Favorite Read
by Paul Chez-Ads
When European artists came out from under the patronage of the Catholic Church and its slight influence on subject matter, they often found themselves without funds. The “Impressionist” school (the term being shorthand for “painters under the impression they could make big bucks without featuring Madonna and Child”) tried a variety of marketing ploys. Some attempted, unsuccessfully, to draw attention by self-mutilation. Others used the hazy painting form to embed subliminal messages eliciting funds (Claude Money actually went so far as to change his name to that end). None, however, was quite as successful as Paul Chez-Ads, who merged artistic objects and products to launch what are today called, in his honor, Ads.
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