ALASKA NEWS:
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EDITORIAL:
Unsound Bites
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National/World News:
EXENRONERATED!!
Supreme Court Absolves Enron Executives
Awards Linda Lay $1.3 Billion for Pain & Suffering
FCC Votes to Hand Airwaves to Rupert Murdoch's News Corp.
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Texan Flying Stars & Stripes from SUV Until It Shredded Jailed for Desecrating the Flag
Superior Court Judge Jails All Bechtel Employees
Germany to Open American Slavery Memorial
Alaska State News:
"Get Drunk Drivers into Pink Subaru's" Proposal on Hold
Education/Parenting:
Diaper Perils
by Dr. Kay S. Esteau
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| Pinocchio to Become Alaska's First State Fictional Character
JUNEAU - In a last-minute move before the end of its session, the legislature chose Alaska’s first-ever State fictional character, Pinocchio, and simultaneously approved a motion to de-fictionalize him so that he can run for office.
Recently, legislatures across America have dedicated long hours viewing Disney movies and the Cartoon Channel, and debating about which fictional character should join the state flower, bird, animal, and song in representing their state. The initiative is rumored to have originated in the hallowed and hushed halls of the Federal Justice Department as a strategy to tie up legislatures lest they pay attention to the flood of citizen demands to repeal the draconian measures of the Patriot Act.
In fact, the process was more than a diversion as thousands of Alaskans tied up phone and fax lines in Juneau, deluged their representatives with letters and e-mails, and waited for hours at public hearings to explain why the Freak Brothers, Flintstones, GI Joe, Ronald Reagan, Conan the Barbarian, or Cheech and Chong were ideal symbols of Alaska.
From the vast field emerged Pinocchio, the little Italian wooden puppet whose nose grew whenever he told a lie. Pinocchio was officially endorsed by Alaska's Italian-American community, numbering eight members. “More importantly,” said recently laid-off UAA Literature Professor Noelle Ectives, “It's almost as if [Italian author] Collodi had written his character for Alaska, and specifically for the current administration. It is very symbolic: When Pinocchio lies, his wooden nose grows, and suddenly there is an abundance of natural resources (wood, in this case) to be harvested. But if he tells the truth… Well, not much promise of anything there.”
A spokesperson for His Royal Highness Alaskan Governor Frank Murkowski was briefly unmuzzled to read a terse statement for Alaska's Royal House, which had enthusiastically embraced the lying puppet without realizing the implications: “The Governor is a straight-forward man, and he thinks that symbolism that doesn't involve the American flag is a bunch of crap. He, instead, was quite taken by Pinocchio's planting coins to grow a gold coin tree, and, of course, he loved the reference to traditional Alaska Native hunting methods when Pinocchio starts a fire in the whale's belly.”
Unmentionable sources from Murkowski's entourage, who met us under strict anonymity in a dark back alley, confided that it is no coincidence that Professor Ectives was no longer employed, adding that His Royal Highness has vowed to eliminate all subversive “symbol-spouting, critical-thinking, pains-in-the-butt” from institutions of higher education with a process akin to clear-cutting.
In the meantime, Pinocchio has joined the Alaskan lore. The legislature, though, is taking it a step further and has initiated the process to vest the character with life and residency so that it may run for political office. “We had to extend the period for public comment 11 times,” said House majority leader John Coghill. “With that kind of interest, Pinocchio will be a shoo-in at election time.” It is State Republicans, in fact, who are already grooming Pinocchio, with chisels and hammers, for office. “Some claim that his becoming a donkey in the story meant he should be a Democrat,” says political analyst Dirk T. Lyer. “But if you look at the pictures in the book carefully, like I have done, you will see that being a donkey was a bad thing. I think Pinocchio's complete disregard for education, his search for making a quick buck through impossible schemes, his dislike for manual labor--these all point to his true political colors.”
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“We will protect people in need.”
The day after His Royal Highness Governor Frank Murkowski gave $50-$100 million in tax breaks to oil companies, he cut $138 million from the state budget. $68.5 million came from Health and Social Services, including support to the elderly and hospital/ nursery home care for the terminally ill.
Loggers say they expect to set up operations in the Governor's office soon. “Timber is growing aplenty,” said one industry official.
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